I knew going back to school would be hard! It's hard to give up entire days with the kids, the ability to just go run errands during the day, and actually plan out meals...ok well maybe I didn't plan out a ton, but still it was nice! It was also hard because it's just another reminder that life goes on, which it should, but when your child isn't here anymore, that realization that life just keeps on going is tough.
SG grabbed these shoes to put on today...thankfully they matched.
I laughed thinking these are never going to fit you, but we will try. Guess what, they fit...well, with the little help of some socks, but it was even more of a wake up call that life is moving on. These were Ellie's shoes, worn after she was two.
So much time has passed since Ellie's death that SG actually fits in shoes now, Richard has finished two classes in school, in 9 weeks we will have another child, and tomorrow Noah starts first grade! Another school year is starting, and she's not here. Last school year started and she was cancer free. This school year, she's cancer free, but she's also free of her earthly body. It's not like I expect every one else to stop moving on with life, or my own life to stop, it's just hard when it moves forward and you are terrified that with each step forward, somehow part of the past will slip away. Its just going too fast.
Its a funny feeling, as time passes and you just kind of get used to the fact that she's not here. But when it hurts, it hurts just as bad it did almost 8 months ago. You cling to things that may just possibly bring back a new memory or one you've forgotten because that memory is all you have left.
Now that school year is officially started again, I'm back to my long car rides, although now that I have Noah back with me, they won't be as lonely. One thing I've learned to appreciate about those long car rides is music, tears, and the occasional thought that I'm sure comes from the Lord. Why...a thought that crosses my mind often, and I'm sure many others who have experienced a loss. And sometimes right when you think you've got a grip on it, you think you know the why, your heart breaks one more time. The balance between loving the Lord for all He gives you, and trusting He has a plan, and not being mad, can be pretty tricky at times. So on one of my rides on a particularly rough morning, this thought came to me "maybe Ellie being in Heaven is my motivation to continue to live the life I know I'm supposed to." I know I'm saved, I know Heaven will be my forever home, I know I will see her again. I also know I will have to answer to all my choices and actions and some how having my child already there has given me a new determination to truly let His light and love shine through me.
As the school year starts again, I'm seeing why He brought me back this year, I'm learning where I'm needed and I have excitement.
Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears,then you also will appear with him in glory. Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. Here there is no Greek or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all. Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Colossians 3:1-17
Prayers, Praise and Pink