Life on the Ark

Thursday, March 26, 2020

Not gonna lie, I've been so hesitant to start typing...~~it's been a year~~ it's been over a year since I've posted anything. I'm started a few times, and they are just sitting there is draft format. Thoughts that just won't come together and make sense. Four very active kids and a husband who has taken on a new position that requires a whole lot more travel time, has me worn out!

But I've come to realize after the nations events of the past several weeks, I need to type, my brain needs to process, I need to encourage someone else out there. So here I am, back at it. Currently "homeschooling" my children since all the schools are shut down, and oh so grateful that my job allows me to be with them during this crisis time.

Looking back over the past few months, I see how God has brought me right where I am at the moment.

For a while I was sharing my devotionals on IG https://www.instagram.com/mommytimewithjesus/ but as I started a book about marriage and respect, Respectfully Yours, I took a pause because the whole world didn't need to follow along with me. As I did that study, completely for myself, without sharing anything, I learned the most about myself and who I am commanded to be. I knew exactly who I was supposed to be sharing this information with!

After last year's mission trip, I was convicted about the youth in my own church. I had spent so much of the mission trip talking to teenagers and listening to all they face, that my heart just broke. But I was so scared! After months of saying I wanted to do more, rescheduling, trying to make things work, God finally had me where he wanted me. With my new Cricut in hand (thanks Mom and Cate!) I set to work helping organize a young ladies tea. I just couldn't wait to be with them, to share what God says is the truth about who they are. On January 26th (Ellie's Birthday) I got to speak to this sweet group of girls, it felt so good! I shared all the truths I didn't acknowledge when I was younger. I shared truths like, they are loved, accepted, forgiven, redeemed, and radiant, each with scripture to back them up. I was almost done with my talk, and all of a sudden thoughts started rolling through my head, like I couldn't hear myself talking anymore...thank goodness for notes. Thoughts that said, "you are talking to much", "this isn't the right stuff", "they don't care about your story", "you shouldn't be doing this"....I was shaken and those thoughts stuck with me all night, until I was in tears.

And that was the beginning of my anxiety going all out of whack. I felt like I had been doing pretty good. I'd have an off day here and there, but for the most part things were good. Most of February I spent with my heart pounding about one thing or another and my mind racing. The silly thoughts and fears that I know are irrational, just stayed on repeat in my head. Some mornings my 45 minute car ride lasted FOREVER because I felt like I was gonna get sick the whole way, and other days it went by so quick because the script in my head kept me distracted the whole time. I was quickly becoming frustrated with myself. Why couldn't I turn this off? I believe God loves me and I trust Him, right? So why am I freaking out over these things? I must not be a good enough Christian...but I know that's not true either. I was all over the place with my bible study/devotional time, I couldn't focus. I ended up listening to a podcast with Jennie Allen, https://www.jennieallen.com/podcast about anxiety and trust.

She talked about her book, Get Out of Your Head

I ordered it, I needed it. It came a few weeks ago, but I held off. I had been study hopping for weeks and I was determined to finish the one I was in before I jumped ship.

And then....Coronavirus....

I will be the first to admit, I don't pay attention to the happenings of the world. We don't have cable TV so I don't watch the news. I don't read articles I see on Facebook. And I don't read the newspaper. I listen to a Christian radio station, so I don't hear a lot of the news either. In fact, Noah (he's 11 now....its been a while!) had to fill me in about China, his words were "Mom its all anyone is talking about!

So when your anxiety is already on a roller coaster and then you finally tune in to the world around you and realize people are terrified of this illness...it doesn't make for a good day! I felt a weight on my chest like I hadn't in a long time....and I'm not a germ freak at all....but this, just stayed in my head all day..."what if....what if....what if...." So exhausting.

And then they shut schools down...Guess who started reading her new book? This girl! I'm not too far in, but I'm enjoying it. In fact, I could probably spend my whole day reading and doodling, but then my kids would either be in Barbie land (SG and Lu are all about the Barbies these days) all day or have hurt each other.

I've slowly started sharing scriptures again, I know it's how I will be used by God during this time of being stuck home. My goal is to share what I'm continuing to learn about my identity and my ability to capture the thoughts that run rampart in my mind, comparing them to the truth God has given us.

I'm looking forward to this time of being right where God wants me!