It's been stuck in my head...thinking that its been 6 years since this all started, 6 years since that first blog post about Ellie being sick. Six years since our world was forever changed, six years since we opened up and let the world in, let the world love us and pray for us and help us.
What would I say to that younger version of me? What would I tell that very pregnant girl, who was a control freak and a planner, who thought she had her whole life kinda figured out. Who was in church all the time, learning and teaching, but had never really gone through something.
There's a line in the song that says:
"Do I go deep and try to change the choices that you'll make 'cause they're choices that made me"
Would I go back and tell myself all the stuff ahead of me? Would I warn myself that this is gonna hurt more than anything I've ever experienced before. Would I tell me how the story ended? Would I change anything? Would I want anything to be done differently?
Here's the crazy thing....I think the answer is no.
I know that I couldn't change the outcome. And if I knew the outcome, would I have sat around waiting for it to happen? Would I have trusted God like I did? Would I have written the things I did, met the people I had met? Would I have prayed as hard as I did? Would Richard and I be as close? Would we have even tried St. Jude?
So maybe, I'd tell myself, God is good. Cling to Him. Things will hurt, you'll feel like you can't breathe....but you will make it, and you will come out on the other side, the same girl, but totally different. Your heart will be changed, and you will know the love of God even more than you ever thought possible.
~ Carly
