As we drove home from the beach this year, Noah noticed how quiet I was (the boy picks up on everything) and asked what was up. It was hard to explain to him how this trip down a physical road, had flooded my mind with so many memories.
Memories I wasn’t excited about, wasn't proud of, memories that shook me, in a way I hadn’t expected, and it probably wasn’t until he asked me what was wrong, did I realize I had gone back in time in my mind.
I went to collage in Hampton Roads area, drove that same highway numerous times. I was a completely different person in that time. Someone following a boy to college (don’t do it), someone completely unsure of themselves, someone looking for acceptance in others, someone to tell me I was worth something and loved.
I didn’t have a bad childhood by any means. I knew my parents loved me and were proud of me. I danced, played soccer for a whole season, did well in school, went to church when I was supposed to, but there was something missing that I had no idea that was missing, until I found it (that probably sounds confusing!)
I grew up believing that I just had to be good enough to go to heaven. Don’t ask what good enough is…that’s a pretty subjective topic! Like my kids would say pickles are good…I think there is nothing more gross! We all have a different idea of good, and mine got more and more skewed the older I got. I’m pretty sure by the time I graduated high school, I wasn’t even thinking for myself anymore, I let others tell me what was good, no matter what the cost. Oh that girl…if I could shake her I would!! I just had no idea that the acceptance and love I was looking for wasn’t going to come from a boy or a friend. They are human and they fail, just like me.
We are studying Jonah in VBS is this summer, and this past week I read about the attention grabbing wake up call God gave Jonah in the form of a storm. A storm that shook that boat and had all the boat people “crying out to their gods.” Jonah 1:5. You remember the story of Jonah, I’m sure! God told him to go somewhere and preach, and Jonah decided he knew what was good and he decided to go somewhere else. God sent a warning in the form of that storm.
My sophomore year of college, God sent me that warning, that wake up call that life was getting a little ridiculous. He was tired of watching me let others decide what was good. I left school a few weeks into my first semester that year. I completely ignored that warning. It wasn’t my fault, I was just unlucky…the excuses went on. After some time at home, I went to another school 30 minutes from the first…I went right back to the life He tried to pull me away from because it felt “good”. Again I could shake that girl…she was so lost!
But God…
Those two little words. He didn’t give up on me, He didn’t decide I was too far gone or had sinned too much. He continued His pursuit of me. Looking back on it, it truly is a love story. A story about how much God loved me! Because of my time at home I worked a lot. God brought Richard into my life at work. We started dating, that led to a real relationship. That led to meeting his family, which was the first time I was introduced to a Baptist church. I was intrigued. I wanted that. I wanted that joy, I wasn’t sure I wanted to throw my arms in the air or yell Amen… but I knew there was something there. Fast forward a marriage, a pregnancy, and now we find ourselves in a church, uncomfortable as all get out because I didn’t think I belonged. Yet we kept going and slowly God became real to me. I learned that the way to heaven wasn’t being “good enough”. It was through a relationship with Jesus. It was through acknowledging my sin, acknowledging Jesus’ death and resurrection, and acknowledging my need for him. “That if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.” Romans 10:9
From there God held our hands and hearts through births, deaths, job changes, pandemics, more births and more deaths. I found what I was missing. I found the man that loves me, pays attention to me, accepts me, created me in His image. I found what I didn’t know I needed, and I don’t have to be “good enough” to get it, it was freely given to me!
Now…I will admit I still struggle almost daily with acceptance of the world. I want my husband to acknowledge all I do, I want him to tell me I’m pretty. But he’s human, he will fail. I want my kids to be kind to me and respect others, but they are also human and they will fail. I want my friends to say all the right things to make me feel better, but they are human, they will fail. I want to push all my anxieties aside and boldly try new things without fear…but you guessed it…I’m human I will fail.
As much as I want these things, I don’t go searching for them in the world anymore. I go to God. I tell Him my frustrations and all the ways I’ve failed and how those around me have let me down. And He sweetly reminds me every time, that they will never be able to give me the things I want, only He can. We (God and I) have this conversation often…because I’m a slow learner and I’m pretty sure while living in this world, I’m going to keep looking for it to meet my needs. The only One who can is the God that created me, didn’t give up on me, took that lost girl and changed her life.
That drive home just stirred my soul so much. Happy and sad tears flowed, regretting the bad stuff but in awe of the face that despite all the bad God saved me, not because I deserved it or I was good enough, simply because He loves me and I asked Him to. I drove back up 64 towards home, so grateful for the changes in me. Thankful for the conversation it started between Noah and I about the importance of repentance and God's forgiveness! Honored to be called a Child of God.
And the crazy cousins!
