Noah has entered the land of "why" and he's driving me crazy (don't tell him I said that because I always tell him not to say things are crazy). Whenever I am explaining something to him, there's always 20 more why questions. When I ask him to do something, it is usually followed by "why". I don't think he's being defiant....he just wants to know why. I find myself at least 3 times a day saying, "Because I said so"....words I never thought I'd say because I always thought children deserved an answer (guess that was before I had 3 of my own!) I start out with this story to share another. (its kind of a long story...and I'm not sure if I will explain it the best, but its a story God has really laid on my heart to share with others)
Wednesday I got my own attack of the "whys"...I wasn't asking my mom million questions, but I started to question God and beliefs that I've had for years now. In a conversation with a friend we talked about God's plan for life, that's its not our plan and we aren't going to change that plan. For some reason unknown to me that conversation, coupled with this beautiful new bracelet that was sent to me...threw me for a whirlwind of "Whys"
If God already has a plan for my life, for Ellie's life, he already knows what I'm going to do, why am I praying, if its not going to change anything...why? I emailed these questions to my friend... and as I typed, I knew my thoughts were wrong. I had the conversation with Richard later on that day, and expressed my frustrations and my feeling "lost" for lack of a better word....and again as I said the words to him "why am I praying" it was like I already knew the answer in my heart, but it was stuck in there and couldn't get out. Richard and I have had this same conversation, many years ago, when our journey with Christ was still very new...I couldn't wrap my brain around it and finally God gave me peace that I am just not going to fully comprehend the "why" I should just pray because He said so. (nothing like a taste of your own medicine)
Matthew 26:41
"Keep alert and pray. Otherwise temptation will overpower you. For though the spirit is willing enough, the body is weak!"
"Keep alert and pray. Otherwise temptation will overpower you. For though the spirit is willing enough, the body is weak!"
Ephesians 6:18
And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
I was reading last night, "Grace" by Max Lucado. I have been so out of touch with my devotionals, daily readings, bible study, everything! So as I was trying to catch up, I read "not all guilt is bad. God uses appropriate doses of guilt to awaken us to sin. We know guilt is God-given when it causes 'indignation, alarm, longing, concern, readiness to see justice done' (2 Cor. 7:11). God's guilt brings enough regret to change us." That's exactly the guilt I was feeling after talking to Richard, and hearing myself say those words...it woke me up to see that I wasn't being the person I am called to be. That I knew better than to question why (especially when I knew the answer all along in my heart).
This whole asking why/why pray/guilt thing was actually perfectly planned too (like God's plan always is)...Thursday the doctors noticed that Ellie was kinda staring off into space and it would take a minute to get her attention. I was on the iPad with her and saw it happen, but in my mind she looked just like her brother when watching TV...(the house could fall down around him and he'd never notice it)...but they were concerned she may be having a type of seizure. So they planned an EEG for yesterday (Friday). Richard told me all this Thursday (my fall apart day) and I asked him, "so then what do we pray for, if God already knows the outcome"....soon as I said those words that God guilt crept all over me....of course I couldn't just shut up at that point...I kept on, and Richard did his best to try to help and remind me what I already knew. He told me we pray that she isn't having seizures, and if that's not God's plan, then He has a better one. We pray because we believe that God can take the seizures away if he wants to. Then I got scared because she wasn't having them before, so what if this tumor is growing, what if something has changed....oh how I let the doubt attack me.
She had her EEG yesterday, and as I watched this little girl sit completely still while they attached what seemed like a million little electrodes to her bald head, I wanted to kick myself. How could I doubt or question a God who has brought us this far opened a million doors for us, changed our lives since the moment He saved us, has provided for us more than we could have ever imagined, and loves us no matter what! (P.S. I heard them say she was the best 2 year old ever at getting hooked up for her EEG)
I'm not sure why God wanted me to share this story with you...frankly I'm embarrassed that I cracked like I did. But I think going through these past few days has helped me see that I'm not perfect and I don't have to be because He has surrounded me with people who will help me find my way back, who will continually remind me of His words, I am blessed by that. Maybe it will help someone else see that your journey with Christ...is that, a journey, there are many hills and valleys, some days you are on top of the mountain and can help others climb out, other days you are the one in the valley who needs to the help. But never forget to praise Him for every mountain and valley!
The EEG showed nothing, but they are still putting her on seizure meds just in case. The doctor was nice enough to talk on speaker phone with me today to give some explanations of why she may be experiencing seizures now, if that's what they are. Other than that there really isn't anything new to report, besides Ellie's new beautiful look :)
Richard and Ellie are getting their discharge orders as we speak. Ellie took this dose of meds like the princess she is. No sickness, just a new little "attitude"...when people come into her room now, she won't talk to them, she will smile, she will do what they ask, but she won't speak....I think its her own little way of "sticking it to them". I've seen her cave after a couple of times, since everyone there is so nice and will keep on till she answers them!
New visitors are on their way down to TN. My mom and dad are going down for a visit and to bring Richard a vehicle! Now he will have his own transportation, no more waiting on shuttles! That is a HUGE blessing! I know everyone is going to enjoy this visit!
The Prayer of Faith
James 5:13-20
Is anyone among you in trouble? Let them pray. Is anyone happy? Let them sing songs of praise. Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.
Elijah was a human being, even as we are. He prayed earnestly that it would not rain, and it did not rain on the land for three and a half years. Again he prayed, and the heavens gave rain, and the earth produced its crops.
My brothers and sisters, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring that person back, remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of their way will save them from death and cover over a multitude of sins.
Prayers, Praise and Pink
~Carly
3 comments:
I attend Community Bible Study in Richmond and heard a very amazing story about the missionary David Livingstone, in Africa in the 1800's, and I want to share it with you.
Long story (kind of) short, a local tribe wanted to kill him and his missionary companions. They were prepared to face an attack and it never happened... Later on the tribe converted to Christianity. David later asked the tribal leader why his tribe never attacked the missionaries. He said that when they went to kill them, there were a specified (40-something I think) warriors standing guard around their encampment so they did not attack.
When he returned to England, he spoke with a friend who had started a prayer group for David Livingstone's team one night. It was a specified number (40-something I think) men who gathered together and felt very led to pray for David and his friends that night.
It turns out that it was the very date date the missionaries were supposed to be attacked. The same number of "warriors" the tribe saw were the same number of men who gathered to pray in England.
Cue goosebumps!
Why am I sharing this? Because prayer changes everything. The prayers lifted up for Ellie are being heard by God. He may know the outcome, but our prayer can change everything to lead to His outcome! He is making all things work together for our good. What a promise!
Dear Sweet Carly,
Sometimes in our Christian walk we do falter, we do question and we do stumble. You said that your friend talked about "God's plan for life, that's its not our plan and we aren't going to change that plan." I do not believe this to be entirely true. Yes, God is Sovereign and yes He is all knowing, but we do have free-will, and we can make choices that deviate us from the path in which He intends us to be on. God does know how it will all turn out, but that is because He already knows what choices we will make.
You put in some good scripture on prayer, and I know you are already working through your questions, but I thought I would share with you another story.
Between five and ten years ago I spent a lot of time following different blogs of families that had children with cancer. I would eagerly await updates and the specific ways readers were asked to pray.
The last child that I had been closely following was nearing the end. I had seen it so many times I could see the point when there was no turning back. I felt in those days, what is the use in praying for healing that was impossible. I began to not pray for healing, but for the comfort of family members. I would pray for God's presence to be felt. I would pray for strength of the parents.
This part will be hard for you to read, I am sure. This child was fighting so hard and just held on so much longer. Cancer was in over 90% of the body, and every kind of pain killer was being used. I hated God for allowing a child so much pain. Instead of the child getting some comfort, it continued to get worse. A test revealed the cancer was now in over 99% of the blood. The child was in agony and the doctors had nothing they could do to comfort the child. Nothing else was going to help. The parents had nothing else to ask for but that somehow the pain would be relieved, even though the doctors had told them there was nothing that could overcome the pain from the cancer in the blood.
That is when I had, as my dear friend calls it, a "Sun stand still" kind of prayer. The kind of prayer when you know the Holy Spirit is speaking - the kind of prayer when you know that God is not only capable of doing something - that He is listening. My prayer was something like this: Dear Jesus, if healing is not in your plan for this life than I ask you this: Enter the blood of this child Jesus. Make it clean - remove all the cancer from the blood. The doctors say there is nothing left but there is you. You can remove the pain, you can make him clean."
A couple hours later the parents posted that the child had an unexplained peace come over him. The doctors ran more tests and were in disbelief that there was absolutely no cancer in the blood. Numbers they saw rise from merely fractions to almost complete takeover were gone. 0.0% - no cancer in the blood - that was why the child was no longer in pain. No explanation as all treatments had been stopped. Nothing could make it change like that overnight. But I knew in my heart that it was a "sun stand still" kind of prayer that did it. The next few days the child was at peace and in no pain, then he got his wings and went on to be with Jesus. The parents were so blessed by those final days being pain free.
So maybe we can not change the big parts of God's plan, but we can each make a difference with our moments of big faith.
Love and many blessings,
Marceen
hi carly,
i'm new to your blog--i saw one of your fliers at old navy this past weekend and learned about ellie and your family that way. i don't have any feedback to offer on your post, but i thought i would pass along the name of a cookbook, "happily hungry," that i heard about on NPR recently. it was written by a woman whose son had leukemia as a child, and she became a dietician after struggling to feed him well while he underwent chemo. there's a ton of information about the particular nutritional needs of people with cancer, especially children, and it sounded like a great resource for anyone with a loved one going through chemo. thought you and your husband might find it helpful while ellie is going through treatment; it's available on amazon. i will keep your family in my thoughts and meditation, for peace and a return to health.
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