Yesterday a reporter asked me how I wanted people to remember Ellie. I immediately responded with something about her smile and her love of life and not caring what others thought. I couldn't find the exact perfect words, but I tried.
Today, as I thought back, I wished no one had to remember her...I wished we had never had a reason to be on TV or the newspaper. I wished I still didn't have a clue where St. Jude was and that I had no idea just how many different types of brain tumors there are in this world. I wished I never had to describe my daughter. If Ellie never got cancer, I'd never be describing how to remember her.
But that is all pretty silly thinking and it stopped very quickly...I can't go back, wishing (even on the evening star Princess Tiana) isn't going to change our situation. Recently Preacher talked about being in God's will - that you don't necessarily need to pray to find His will - if you are following His commands and doing what you are supposed to do, you are already in His will and He will make known His paths to you.
"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:1-2
So even talking about how I wished things were different, just seems wrong. Its hard to wish something didn't happen when you know its already been planned for you this way. You know there is a reason for this plan, and He has always walked with us, held us tight and gave us peace, I can't wish away what he has planned. This was God's intention for our lives, so I'm going to live it, even when it hurts.
The reporter's question made me think about myself as well, how do I want to be remembered? I know now many people know me as Ellie's Mom. They know I love the Lord and that our faith will not be shaken. You know this now, but would you have known that a year ago...probably not...I'm not sure I knew that about myself then. A friend messaged me and encouraged me to go back and read a post from a few years ago that I had written right after Ellie was born. Here it is..
A friend shared a link to a blog yesterday that I cannot get out of my head.http://kandjstaats.blogspot.com/
This sweet young family lost their 4 month old baby girl last week, and as I sit here holding my 4 week old blessing, I can't even imagine the pain they are going through. I spend my days complaining about sore boobs, and laundry and this mother has had to pick out her daughter's casket. I've thought and thought about them, and one thing keeps jumping into my mind, what would I do? So many times when friends are going through hard times, I try to remind them that God has a plan for them and He won't give them anything He won't help them through. Then I think back to this mom, could I truly believe that in her situation. Could I still continue to praise him during the loss of someone so close to me or would I curse him? Would I continue to go to church with a smile on my face or would I shut myself away? Would I thank him for the time I had or would I hate him for the time he took away from me? Could I continue to seek him, live in his will and ask him for guidance or let myself start to run my life? Oh how I pray that if I was ever put in a situation like this family, I could continue to love my God and I would count on his grace to carry me through. I pray this family is surrounded by His love and they know He is in control. Take a minute to say a prayer for this family and then praise God for yours!
This sweet young family lost their 4 month old baby girl last week, and as I sit here holding my 4 week old blessing, I can't even imagine the pain they are going through. I spend my days complaining about sore boobs, and laundry and this mother has had to pick out her daughter's casket. I've thought and thought about them, and one thing keeps jumping into my mind, what would I do? So many times when friends are going through hard times, I try to remind them that God has a plan for them and He won't give them anything He won't help them through. Then I think back to this mom, could I truly believe that in her situation. Could I still continue to praise him during the loss of someone so close to me or would I curse him? Would I continue to go to church with a smile on my face or would I shut myself away? Would I thank him for the time I had or would I hate him for the time he took away from me? Could I continue to seek him, live in his will and ask him for guidance or let myself start to run my life? Oh how I pray that if I was ever put in a situation like this family, I could continue to love my God and I would count on his grace to carry me through. I pray this family is surrounded by His love and they know He is in control. Take a minute to say a prayer for this family and then praise God for yours!
I am now finding myself in a very similar situation to this family I wrote about over 2 years ago. Some of these questions I posed two years ago have been answered, and that makes me smile. I think what stands out the most to me is that God put this on my heart when Ellie was only 4 weeks old. This family's situation is what caused me to start praying that prayer, that if I was ever in a situation like this, I would still praise God. It gives me comfort to know that He has been preparing me for this, He has this planned. I am grateful for a friend who pointed this out to me...reminding me, that prayer I prayed, has been answered.
While Richard and I still struggle with staying in today vs. planning for tomorrow, we are enjoying each day. We were blessed with a Saturday of just the 5 of us, and it was a fantastic day. We stayed in our pj's all day, watched a lot of movies and tv and put up the Christmas tree. There where no distractions, no visitors and I don't even think there was a phone call (which never happens around here!) Its nice how the Lord intervened because He knew we needed a day together.
Ellie has started another "round" of chemo. Her numbers are good, her appetite is fantastic (as you can see in her chubby cheeks).
We are gearing up for our Give Thanks walk this Saturday for St. Jude. We have been amazed at the support team Princess Strong has gotten. As of tonight, our team has raised over $16,000. I never imagined it would get this big, but I'm excited and proud and grateful.
Wanted to share from my daily devotional...I read this page every day, because it just speaks to my heart and encourages me
"Trust me here and now. You are in rigorous training - on an adventurous trail designed for you alone. This path is not of your choosing, but it is my way for you. I am doing things you can't understand. That is why I say 'Trust Me'" - Jesus Today by Sarah Young
“Come, let us return to the Lord.
He has torn us to pieces
but he will heal us;
he has injured us
but he will bind up our wounds.
After two days he will revive us;
on the third day he will restore us,
that we may live in his presence.
Let us acknowledge the Lord;
let us press on to acknowledge him.
As surely as the sun rises,
he will appear;
he will come to us like the winter rains,
like the spring rains that water the earth.”
He has torn us to pieces
but he will heal us;
he has injured us
but he will bind up our wounds.
After two days he will revive us;
on the third day he will restore us,
that we may live in his presence.
Let us acknowledge the Lord;
let us press on to acknowledge him.
As surely as the sun rises,
he will appear;
he will come to us like the winter rains,
like the spring rains that water the earth.”
Hosea 6 :1-3
Prayers, Praise and Pink
~Carly
