But now...I've turned on the
ok tried that too, its not working, so I threw some chicken nuggets in the toaster oven and we are gonna call it a day...is that wrong to feed your kids chicken nuggets, on thanksgiving?? This is just the brutal truth of grief on a holiday. It's like for a few hours, we lived in this little fairy tale world, where all our family was home, we ate the typical thanksgiving meal...without any yelling!!!
 |
| Don't tell Noah I posted a pic with his glasses...he's trying to keep them a surprise! |
My hole is empty, nothing is filling it, except memories of thanksgiving 2013, when in my parent's basement Ellie got upset because the room was "spinny" and she wanted to crawl up on the couch. That's when life got "real". We were told she was dying, but up until that day, we hadn't seen any evidence, she was like any other 2 year old.
I had the privilege of speaking to the local MOPS group about grief a few weeks ago. I had never specifically spoken about grief before, so I was excited for this new territory. It felt good to share how tough grief can be, the ups and downs, but how good God is to see you through all that. After immersing myself in all the prep for that speaking event and then speaking and talking to some awesome ladies afterwards...it took me days to recoup. I'm always amazed at how "unprepared" I am for the big roller coaster hill that I come crashing down. I just talked about the roller coaster idea of grief and a day later, I can't cope with the emotions...easier said than done I guess.
I wouldn't have changed that opportunity for the world. We know that God works all things together for the good of those who love him. however I'm not sure how often those that are suffering get to see the good being worked out of their tragedy. I have been given the gift for the past 3 and a half years to see the good that has come out of my circumstance.
Like last year, Noah made Ellie a place card today, and her seat was right by mine, in fact I bumped her seat over because I felt lonely at my end of the table. Its such a sweet gesture from Noah, and I hope he never stops, but man does that thought creep right up there in my hole, and apparently its not leaving today.
So what now...one of my favorite songs, has John Piper preaching in the middle of the song, and he says to "preach to yourself these truths everyday" or something to that effect. Those words rang loud to me tonight. These truths are that God loves me, that not all days are going to be easy, in fact I'm going to suffer some days. God provides everything I have in this life, and uses each circumstance that he has placed us in for his good and glory. And that one day, I won't hurt anymore, I won't be sad anymore because I will live in eternity with God. After you remind yourself enough times, there's this peace that arises and you know that no matter what, you will get through today with God's help, and then you go eat another cookie.
My prayer tonight, is for those of you who also lived with your hole today. Who also felt that empty numb feeling, I know it wasn't easy, but you aren't alone, you are loved....just let Him love you.
"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;
perseverance, character; and character, hope.
And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us". Romans 5:3-5
Prayers, Praise and Pink
~Carly
2 comments:
Hello Carly,
I've followed your blog when our mutual friends shared your blog and updates on Facebook. I felt the need to write you today after reading this post. I just lost my dad on the 20th of November very suddenly, unexpectedly, and we laid him to rest this last Saturday, December 4th. The morning of, I thought of your Ellie...it was a completely random little thought in wondering about your family, remembering you during this time of the year, and maybe I had missed a blog post because of all things we had to take care of. (Turns out I did, and today I remembered again to check.) Anyways, we did what I suppose is the "normal" routine: a beautiful service to celebrate my father's life, followed by a tearful and final good-bye at the cemetery. As we concluded and the last word was said, I turned to walk out of tent...there was your Ellie. She's right there, on that hill with the beautiful view, just a few feet from my dad's final resting place. It took me a moment in my grief because I KNEW that name. I completely lost it a second later. I don't think I've lost it like that in the whole two weeks since my dad passed. It was so strange to me, because I had the thought that morning.
Your Ellie touched my heart and while she fought, I prayed and watched for every update. At the time, I was struggling to get pregnant with a third baby, (to "complete" my family), for two years. And a year on the first anniversary that your Ellie had been called to Heaven, I found out that I was cautiously expecting. The following spring, I found out that after 2 boys, I was getting a little girl. I chose Elliana for her full first name, (it means "my God has answered me" in Hebrew), but she goes by Ellie. I am always thinking of your Ellie and her inspiration and her impression was no doubt left in the world and in peoples' hearts.
Thanksgiving there was a hole and a void as my mom, brother, husband, sister-in-law, and kids slowly chewed on our dinner trying hard to "celebrate," and I kind of wish I just threw in the chicken nuggets instead of preparing a whole meal that no one really wanted...and now Christmas is approaching and I don't even want to put the tree up. Sigh. These two holidays back to back are the hardest. That roller coaster is hard. And for someone like me who isn't strongly connected to God made me realize how much the disconnection is, so I am learning to lean on Him, learning trust His plan.
Anyways, thank you for sharing your Ellie with us and continued sharing of comforting words. I don't pretend I know you, or your grief, but I do believe you are one of the strongest people I have ever read about and I will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers. I hope you don't mind us placing a flower or two for your Ellie and taking a moment to say a prayer when we visit my dad. <3
-Summer
��
Post a Comment