Good Grief Carly Blaine

I don't know if Charlie Brown was ever a hot mess...but I sure was today!

The reality and memories of what we were doing today, set in about noon yesterday.  Today's was Stori Anne's baby dedication at church. The day that we stand up in church as her family and dedicate ourselves to making sure she knows who Jesus is and the ultimate sacrifice God gave in His son dying on the cross for us. We have done this with each of our children, and it's always sweet to have our family surround us and promise to help us raise her knowing Jesus. How could this possibly be a sad day?!?!

It started with a dress. I couldn't find the dress. We have a lot of girls....we have a lot of girl clothes...after Lulah, I started getting rid of some clothes, well all of them, except a select few.  I made my sister an "in case you ever have a girl" box of clothes with some of the most important girl clothes I had from my girls. I wanted Stori Anne to wear the same dress Lulah wore at her dedication, which is the same dress SG wore at Ellie's' funeral.

I looked everywhere, I couldn't find the "pink perfect dress" as Ellie called it, anywhere. I came across another pink sparkly dress (go figure we still had one!) and that would have to do...it didn't stop me from continuing to look and relook in places all evening. Then this morning I couldn't find the sparkly headband with the white flower, these little things were piling up, and before I knew it I was in the bathroom putting make up on and crying...which was my first clue I should have just given up at that point. None of the girl's outfits matched...and that started to drag me down...nothing seemed to be going right....

All I could think about was SG's baby dedication. Ellie was there, she was bald and beautiful.  Ellie and SG had on matching outfits.

Family was there, just like they would be again today, monkey was there too. Richard's brother came, he was here again too. My heart just felt so sad and empty, and to be honest, I just wasn't that excited about today.



As I curled my hair...on this rainy day...clue #2 I should have just given up on looking put together...I looked up in the corner of my mirror, at a verse I placed there. It reads...

"Be sober and on alert, your adversary the devil, walks around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:8

I knew I put it there for a reason. I was prey....and I had just about threw up my white flag and admitted defeat on the day. I reached out to a friend and prayed. I changed my sweater to my "Ellie sweater", gathered up the troops and out the door we went.

We got there, our family got there, and I still couldn't find my happy...I felt like a fake...here at church to dedicate myself to raising my child to know Jesus, and I felt so far from Him. 

Here we go, up front, in front of the people who have loved us, held us, cried with us, cooked for us, babysat for us...and I still can't get it together. Preacher looks in my eyes and starts to talk...I loose it. I was holding Stori Anne but was desperate for a hand to hold, I finally found Richard's leg and clung to his pants. I cried...my heart hurt...this is grief....5 years later and man does it still hurt.  He said the words, "they already have one with Jesus and they will make sure Stori is there as well".  With Jesus...my Ellie is with Jesus....lump in the throat. 

We finished, still crying, desperately needing a tissue...and then we sing. I don't believe in coincidences...."This is my story, this is my song..." all that weight just left, and I was filled with joy.

I found the hair bow :)

I get it God, my story isn't over, its still being written, and I have a tendency to feel like the best parts of my story have already occurred, that my "big impact" in life has already passed....but that was just the beginning.  Grief is part of my story, it's part of my everyday life.  It's why I don't get all worked up about a lot of things, but can't get past a missing pink dress. Grief will forever be how I came to truly know who Jesus is.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Cor 4:16-18

Lulah's Dedication Day

SG's Dedication Day

Ellie's Dedication Day

Not Noah's dedication day...but didn't want him to feel left out!

Prayers, Praise and Pink

~ Carly

and just for fun....

Lulah needed to be in our picture, and Richard didn't want to be....love my people!