Tuesday I had feelings stirring in my soul. I just wasn't feeling excited about that last day of school before break. My heart was achy. Stori woke up with that same sad soul and curled up in my lap and said she was sad. We snuggled there for quite a while...longer than we should have, but it just felt like what my heart and hers needed. For that moment I felt like the feelings had moved on and all would be okay.
Wednesday was our day off before Thanksgiving. The day to run the last minute errands, get the last minute food and in our case do the things we never have time to do on a week day, like return our library books! As we ventured out and about I found myself biting all their heads off, getting completely frustrated with Noah's driving (yes he has his learners now), huffing at the girls for running through the library, even though I told them to hurry up because the library was closing, yelling at them in the parking lot...I was a mess. As we drove home with Noah at the wheel, tears just stated streaming down my face...God and I had a chat that went a little like this:
"What am I supposed to do God? It hurts, my princess shaped hole in my heart is yearning to be filled and there's nothing I can do to fill it."
God answered short and sweet "tell them".
"But these are hard memories God - ones that I have tucked deep down inside, it's been 11 years, I don't know if they will understand, is it too much?"
And then we were home...its a short ride...but long enough to know I had to change something or it was gonna be a miserable day for all of us!
I brought them all to the kitchen table and told them the story of Ellie on Thanksgiving at my mom's. How she started feeling "spinny" that day and how that was the beginning of her downfall. Up until that day she had played and had fun like a normal kid, you'd have never known she was sick - except for her bald head. After that day - she just wanted to be on the couch. She didn't want to play anymore - that was when we knew, I mean we already knew, but it sunk in that day that she had cancer and it was going to kill her. And this year that memory is on repeat in my heart. I apologized for being so unkind to them and watched their sweet faces range from smiles to tears. They all group hugged me and forgave me and that Jesus peace sunk into my heart. "Stop hiding it Carly"
Later on Noah said it was nice to see me do what I am always encouraging them to do, get it out, talk about it, don't pretend it's all fine. My sharing also led to more conversations and sharing from the kids, about what Noah remembers about Ellie, to how weird it is for the girls to have a sister they hear a lot about but have never met, how they miss her yet they don't know her. My hurt and sadness led to an afternoon of sharing, thanks to God who always has the right answer, as long as I remember to ask!
As we head into the holidays I know I'm not the only one who had tough memories. I'd encourage you not to hide your hurt, speak of the memories, be honest with your sadness, seek God, tell Him it hurts, ask Him what do with it and be willing to obey. You just never know how God is going to use the situation you are in to open a door or bring comfort to another.
Prayers, Praise and Pink
~ Carly
