I couldn't resist the song, it's one of Noah's favorites!

Summer in our house is a time of relaxation, that's one of the reasons I love working in a school, the time at home with the kids is amazing! Summer is usually full of pool time, family time and trips to the beach! Last year our family didn't get the summer most families do. When you have cancer, you don't get vacations or holidays off, in fact last year on July 4th Ellie was getting chemo. You don't get to schedule chemo or blood transfusions around vacations or holidays, it's just like any other day. I wanted to find a way to to honor of the kids and their families who will be in the hospital this summer and who don't get to enjoy that summer vacation where they can forget about it all.

So to kick off the summer Team Princess Strong is hosting an online summer auction. I choose today, the first official day of summer to kick it off!  We will be using the proceeds of this auction towards
our St. Jude Give Thanks Walk team. No better way to support the place that did it's best to keep us entertained last summer and forget about the beach (although that's pretty hard to do!). So many people came together to donate some pretty awesome items to this auction...quite a few I have my eye on!  Take a look, you just might see something you like! http://www.32auctions.com/teamprincessstrong
Please make sure you read each item carefully, some items I cannot ship due to the size and the fragility of the item. Our goal is to raise $1000 with this auction, which doesn't even come close to the money it takes to run St. Jude for a day, but I feel it's an easily attainable goal! Please share!

I miss last summer, even though it was no where close to what used to be my "ideal summer". What I wouldn't give to have summer back with her in it. Ellie screaming that she didn't want to get in the pool, but ended up having a blast, sun screening that bald head. Trips back and forth to UVA seemed like a big pain then, but I'd do it all over again if it meant she were here.  However that's not the way The Lord intended the summer of 2014 to be for the Blaine's.

"Shattered dreams are never random. They are always a piece in a larger puzzle, a chapter in a larger story.  The Holy Spirit uses the pain of shattered dreams to help us discover our desire for God, to help us begin dreaming the highest dream. They are ordained opportunities for the Spirit to awaken, then to satisfy our highest dream." Larry Crabb

Prayers, Praise and Pink
~Carly

Some more Pink!

We just wanted to quickly let you know that today we got to see our perfect sized healthy baby girl!  We brought Noah along with us, he was so well behaved and happy!  Then came the moment where the ultrasound technician showed us the baby's hiney and all I could do was giggle because I knew I saw nothing between those legs!  As she said "its a healthy girl!", Noah kinda acted like he didn't hear her.  He just shock his head no.  We repeated the girl words, and he just continued to shake his head no.  So we dropped it!  Then when we saw her legs up over her head like she was going to karate kick someone, we called her a "ninja sister" and he was okay.  Only once did he get a little upset, but it was short lived and he's told every one now "its a girl!"  I have to say, I'm excited for SG and this new little girl to have a close sisterly bond.  I am blessed to know how much fun it is to have a sister, even if it took me a few years to figure it out.  These girls will be close enough in age that they will probably drive each other crazy, but I foresee best buddies!  I also can't think of a better boy to have sisters.  He is so tender and caring, he is made to take care of girls!

So here's our attempt at a "reveal picture".  In the afternoon, in the 90 plus degrees, with a cranky 15 month old!  When will we learn?!?!  Thank you all for the prayers and the love!

Psalm 139:13-16  For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.

Prayers, Praise, and a little more Pink

~Carly

Molding...and not the yucky kind

Probably about a month ago, Richard shared something that had been weighing on his heart. Ever since a night during our church jubilee he felt The Lord leading him to the ministry in some way. He wasn't sure doing what or when, but he knew the direction he was to take.  Richard has talked before about going back to school, he just wasn't sure what for, now he had direction. I smiled. After Ellie's funeral and listening to Richard speak, I asked him "are you sure you don't want to preach for a living?" I was just so impressed with him, so touched by him, so proud of him. He said no and that was the end of the conversation. I couldn't help but think though, that God had something bigger planned for this man.

Within a week Richard applied to Liberty and was accepted. I was excited, but very nervous. I will support him in everything he wants to do, but the thought of full time schooling, two full time jobs and soon to be three children was a tad bit overwhelming. As we were rolling out for church that next Sunday, he threw in that he was going to announce it to our church family that day...I guess there's no turning back now!  The sermon was about the potter and the clay.

Yet you, LORD, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand. Isaiah 64:8

About how the Lord shapes and molds our lives.  He puts us on the wheel and creates every detail.  And there are times that he smashes that lump of clay and decides to "reshape it"  I giggled at the thought of our clay being smashed, only because I felt it described our lives pretty well.   Once we lost Ellie our life that we had previously known had been smashed, we've been that pile of clay waiting to be reshaped and rebuilt.  The thing about God is though, he works at His own pace, so as much as I'd like him to hurry up, its not up to me!

So Richard announced his new plan and what the Lord had called him to do.  I don't think many were very surprised, there really was something we all saw in Richard that day at Ellie's funeral.  They were excited for us, I smiled, but inside I was still panicking.  Here we were about to truly live out allowing God to shape your lives and following His calling, and I was having a hard time really getting excited about it.  Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy Richard has submitted to God's plan for his life, but there was some resentment as well.  Anyone who has around our family with in the past 6 months, knows Richard and I have been discussing me wanting to stay home this next school year.  Being able to stay home while Ellie was home, and then after she passed and getting to be the "glue" that held my family together, was a job I really loved.  I loved being able to go to Noah's school and volunteer, I loved being able to get everyone ready for work and school, without the stress of me having to get ready to.  I felt assured that God was giving us this new gift of life as a sign that it was a good time for me to stay home.  Richard didn't quite get the same vibe from God.  For 6 months we have talked, discussed and believe it or not argued some about this decision.  I thought I knew for sure what God was trying to remold me into and I wanted to help along the process...not that God ever asked me to.  As we entered the month of June, we still didn't have contracts for the next school year, nor had Richard and I come to a decision.  I thought I had put this all in God's hand numerous times, and even felt a couple times that maybe this wasn't the right decision, but it just kept coming back into my head, and I continued to try to discuss it and to be honest, change Richard's mind.  I was forcing the issue, trying to make God reshape my lump of clay faster than He had planned.  One evening, after a particularly, we'll say louder conversation, I opened our mail to find a graduation announcement from a student I worked with my very first year as a counselor.  The two of us spent a lot of time together that year.  As a counselor I have the pleasure of working with many different kids...the whole school in fact, but I don't get that same closeness bond that a teacher may get with their class.  However this student and I formed a bond. We haven't spoken in years, but there was the graduation announcement  and a letter, thanking me for everything I had done, and supporting them and always believing in them.  The night I read it, I pushed it aside, that letter was a reassurance that I was in the right place with my job, but I didn't want to see it that way, since I was positive I knew the plan and that I was going to stay home.  

The night of our last conversation, I was prepared for battle, with all the reasons as to why I just knew I should stay home.  I had prayed all week God would change Richard's mind, and I just new it was going to happen.  We started to talk, and I literally felt Holy Spirit come into my heart, soften it, and completely change my mind....hold up!  That wasn't supposed to happen, apparently God didn't get my memo that I was just trying to help him shape my clay.  I still don't quite understand what the past 6 months was about.  I'm not sure what was going on, or why I thought for sure I'd heard the Lord tell me what to do...guess that's just one more question to ask when I get to heaven.  Now on the other side of this decision I'm happy with my choice, I happy I finally listened to what Richard was saying, and I'm glad God sent Holy Spirit to help me.  I showed Richard the letter from the student, which I had put aside, he just looked at smiled, asked me how long I cried when I read that and said "if anything Carly this confirms our choice for you to stay at work!"  The very next day our contracts showed up at work...go figure! I took that as God's way of saying, "thank you for finally listening to me Carly!"    So in August, Noah and I will head back up the road to Culpeper every day, with a new outlook on my job.  

So all this brings me to today, well yesterday at this point.  Richard was asked by Preacher if he would like to speak on Sunday, Father's day since Preacher would be out of town.  I wasn't sure if he would do it, I knew he could, but if you know Richard he's not typically the "speaker" of the family.  If you had known the Richard I met 12 years ago, you never would have imagined he would be doing that.  In fact if you had told me even 6 years ago that Richard would be in front of a church of more than 100 people delivering a sermon, I would have laughed.  When I first met Richard he was very quiet and shy, I'm amazed he ever asked me out on a date...this is where Richard would jump in and tell you that he asked me out 3 times before we ever went out, yes that's true, but its a long story!  It took Richard years to have a full conversation with my family.  My best friend jokes that he only said two words to her the whole first year she knew him.  Even just a few years ago when he wanted to share a prayer request at church, I watched his nerves get the best of him as he tried to speak.  I don't share this to embarrass him, I share this to just show what God can do when you allow Him to shape your life.  I sat through his sermon with my "lifetime movie grin" on (that's what we call that cheesy grin).  Of course I cried a few times, but I was filled with so much pride.  I haven't been allowed to tell him how he did, he's not one for praise, but I will tell you all!  He amazed me.  I couldn't have been more proud of that shy little boy who has overcome all his fears and is now allowing God to mold him into this man who is now moving forward with school and following through with what the Lord has put upon his heart.  

2005 - Old Navy, where we met

2013 - Memphis, TN - Stronger than ever

This song has been a new favorite, not sure if I've shared it before, I think I have.  I haven't fully grasped the lyrics till just recently and I'm not sure I can really explain what they mean to me now.

I say that I don't quite grasp why we struggled so much with my decision be go back to work, and I'm not to sure what part the devil may have had in that.  But I know this time two weeks ago, I was completely broken.  I couldn't understand why in the world the Lord was putting us through yet another struggle, haven't we been through enough in the past year?  But now that He completely broke me down, drained me of all my selfish thoughts, I feel so close to Him.  I feel so special that out of the billions of people in the world, He's still right there beside me, helping me through it all, sending the Holy Spirit to guide me through it all. And placing all the angels in my life he does.  Thank you Lord for continuing to Make Me!

Prayers, Praise and Pink

~Carly

Dear Noah

Dear Sweet Noah,
You made me a mommy for the first time ever 6 years ago today.  You were my planned out pregnancy, that taught me, its not my plan.  Between getting gestational diabetes and finding out you were breech and I had to have a c-section, then going into labor before that planned c-section, you taught me that my best laid plans are for the birds.  I learned from you that being a mommy is one of the hardest yet most rewarding jobs.

From the beginning your vocabulary never ended.  You talk so much, but can be so quiet.  Your sense of humor is definitely your own, but I find myself laughing because you think its so funny.  You ask a never ending string of questions that drive me insane but make me so proud of how your little mind explores and wanders.

You are my snuggler, and I love that.  You always know the best times to cuddle up, you usually don't sit still while cuddling, but at least you are there and you enjoy it!

You can watch more TV than anyone I know and your love and knowledge of TMNT is amazing.  I think I know most of their colors now, but I'm still working on their weapons. Your imagination is so wide, and we have to pull you out of your room at times to come join the rest of us in the "real world". Your sense of adventure is surprising and I'm amazed at the little dare devil we find at times in you.

You happily have welcomed two sisters into this world.  Although you weren't as excited about the second, you still loved her like big brothers do and have treated them both the way sisters deserved to be treated.  You give in to what they want and try your best to keep them safe!

You are strong. You have a huge heart, that one day will take you far. You have been through more in your 6 years than most people will in a lifetime, yet you still smile that super sweet grin.  You have experienced death at such a young age, yet you still love the Lord.  You question why God does things, when most grown ups would just give up.  You know exactly when to hug us and you are never afraid to show your grief. You have learned empathy, which in my mind is such an important value.  You have experienced a little part of the world, that we can't completely understand, yet you believe one day it will all make sense.  You dream about heaven.  Your heart and your curiosity will do amazing things for others one day I am sure. Never give up on the dreams you have. Never let others' doubt in you steer your path.  Never hate yourself, because God made you just the way your are, and everything God made is beautiful.  We love you more than anything, but God loves you more, never forget that.  

I know that today was "kinda hard being 6 for the first time" but I believe your 6 year old year will be filled with amazing adventures, lots of ninja turtles, and more love that you can imagine (and fingers crossed maybe a brother)!  I'm so glad God choose me to be your Mom!

Love Mommy!

P.S. I will always love you more because my arms are wider, and sorry kid, but I doubt you will ever be 6 ft. tall with long arms :)

Deuteronomy 6:6-9 And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.  You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes.  You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.

5:00

This has not been the easiest week. I have no idea why, there were no special days this week that triggered memories, no birthdays, no holidays, but for some reason emotions were all over, especially in me. 

The after school/evening times seem to be the hardest for me. I come home from work tired and drained and here are these two sweet kiddos who both want all my love and attention, (SG really just wants to eat, as she brings me any food she can reach and says. "Ease?"....translation, please?). There's homework to be done and dinner to make. I'm sure any mom can relate to these moments because I just don't have enough hands for everything they need. All my children have gone through this stage where they hit the 5:00 hour and they turn into little monsters....yes even the cutest of my children have a whole other side come 5!  SG wants to be held, be fed, pull every cabinet open, go in any room with an open door, unpack my purse, hit her brother....you name it, she's into it.  You can't fault her, she's walking everywhere now and exploring her world, she's also really good at testing every boundary she can dream off (she is so her sister, just at a much younger age!) 

(Standing up in her chair...she just learned this little trick...the chair was eventually taken away, because she won't sit in it!)

And then there's Noah. He loves to talk. Ellie was his best friend, they talked and played all the time, even if they were fighting, they were still playing. Now he has no one except me, since SG isn't always the best playmate!  When the crazy 5:00 hour hits, I miss her so much because the fact that she's not here is so obvious. Noah is almost 6, SG just hit 14 months....there's this large age gap that some chubby cheeks used to fill. 

Despite the toughness of this week for me, God has made sure that Richard could be the strong one this week. Finally after many tears last weekend he finally told me to get in the car, we were going to the cemetary.  I've struggled with the cemetary honestly. I never know what to do there. I know that only her body is there, and I kept telling myself that I don't need to go there to feel close to her.  Almost like I had convinced myself that I was weak if I needed to go there, I know it sounds crazy, but that's the only way I can think to describe it. So we loaded up and headed out.  As I sat down beside her plot and Richard took the kids, I was overwhelmed with sadness. It seems with each passing month I miss her more and more. I had this overwhelming urge to lay down on the ground beside her. Of course I couldn't get over my grown up pride so I didn't. Noah finally joined me, and took the flower I brought with me and asked which end Ellie's head was at, so that he could put it there like it was in her hair. He made me smile. As we were about to leave, Noah laid right down next to her...wish I had his bravery sometimes! He was sad and expressed it much better than I had been this past week. 

I know this walk is going to get harder with the upcoming birthdays, more holidays, and our new addition. I know there will be more enjoyment. There will be more smiles and more heartache. I'm just so grateful that when I'm falling apart, The Lord has blessed me with two amazing boys that know exactly what I need when I need it. 

Last weekend we attended part of the Relay for Life event in the county where I work. It was the first time I'd ever participated as someone personally effected by cancer. I really enjoyed myself, and once it got dark and the luminaries were lit, the tears flowed freely, but my heart was filled. We found numerous bags around the track done for Ellie. Noah loved them and would quickly drop to the ground to read them.

 And like the amazing little boy he is, he turned around and wrapped one skinny little arm around me and one around Richard, for a good ol family hug! (Ok now that I write this I realized where a lot of the emotions from this past week came from!)

Lots of prayers this week for those who have lost a loved one. Many of them have weighed heavy on my heart this week. Would you join in me in praying that they would feel the peace that only God can give?

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

Prayers, Praise and Pink

Carly

Happy DC, Birth, Mother's Day

I find it funny that like 5 hours ago I knew exactly what I wanted to write about...had the plan all in my head, and then all of a sudden its 8:20 at night, and all my brain cells are fried...but isn't that what being a mom is all about.  Being so caught up in the craziness of the day that you just kinda forget everything else.  And very appropriately this has happened on mother's day!...now its 3 days later and this blog still hasn't been finished, but hey that's life, when your prego, have a teenaged 13 month old, an almost 6 year old, a busy hubby and testing has started at work!!

This past week has been trying, emotional, and sweet all wrapped up in 7 days (probably like 11 days now)! It really wasn't as rough as I anticipated it to be....actually I didn't anticipate much from this week, maybe I mean to say it wasn't as rough as people might assume it would be.  No idea if that makes sense or not (remember its mother's day, and I've been home with mine by myself all afternoon!) 
Race for Hope DC was a fantastic trip!  Getting there was a little hairy....someone may have taken the wrong exit, someone may have had a meltdown or two, and some friends may have gotten stuck on the metro for an extra stop or two ( I was only directly involved in two of those incidents).  But once we got there and we started walking, I watched Richard take off running, for his girl.  I watched my sister and her husband take off running, for Ellie...my heart swelled!

(I just looked up and realized that Forest Gump is on TV and he's running...hehe).  Forest Gump just ran because he liked running, my family ran because they made a promise to run in her honor.  We finished the walk and found the Wall of Hope. There on this 20 foot long wall was my girl's beautiful face among all the other fighters, survivors and those whose journey had ended.

Of course there were tears, but hearing we were part of the 2.4 million raised, again filled my heart with pride. Our team alone raised over $4500!

During a crazy busy week at school, Noah once again spiked a fever.  He was already on his 2nd round of antibiotics and 2nd run in with strep.  I spent hours trying to calm myself down, to not freak out, its just a fever.  But again when you've been to the doctor's office as much as we have, its hard not to let your brain run wild.  He's all better now, and has been quite the sweet heart the past two days!

My birthday came and went, with sweet presents from my boys. I got to wear a tiara on my special day, but my boy was feeling puny, and my princess isn't physically here.  It wasn't a horrible day, just felt a little empty.

As mother's day approached, I didn't really have any expectations for the day. I was excited because we'd all get to go to church together in the morning, something that hasn't happened a whole lot lately with Richard's busy work schedule. I couldn't help but smile that morning. Preacher was praying, Noah was holding my hand, and then reached over and put his other hand on my belly, and just patted it.  This little boy is just wise beyond his almost 6 years. His heart, that he wears right on his skinny little sleeve, is just huge.  He loves to help others and is just an amazing big brother.  There came a moment in church, where that awesome peace came over me!  And my heart said, "I don't miss her today".  I know that sounds horribly harsh...but there are some moments in my day where the pain of missing her is immense.  Or I'd just like for 10 minutes to feel like a whole person, not that someone is missing.  And that morning I had it.  The thought of her made me smile, I didn't feel sad, I felt her all around me, saying "I yove you mommy!"

Preacher delivered such a meaningful sermon to our life at the moment.  This one line that struck me and stuck with me.  God doesn't tell us our destination in life.  If he told us the destination, we would focus on that and not the journey.  If you could have seen the light bulb that went off over my head!  Well duh!  If God had told me last February when Ellie was diagnosed with cancer that she wasn't going to live, that would have been my focus for 11 months.  I would have spent my time thinking when and where and why.  I knew God was capable of doing anything he wanted to do in her life, so we focused so much on each day, not the future.  We focused on making sure we prayed for her every day, we focused on encouraging others, we focused on keeping a smile on our family's face. We focused on living life.  Not knowing the outcome, allows you to completely trust in God.  With Ellie's type of cancer, we knew He was our only hope, we knew the statistics said that children under the age of 3 with metastatic pineoblastoma don't survive.  But because I put all my trust in the Lord, and just focused on the day we were in, we made it through with a ton of happy memories.  We went where the Lord told us to go, we allowed Him to shape us, to mold us, and to flatten us out a couple of times so that He could reshape us.  And He's still continuing to reshape and remold our family.
"Yet you, LORD, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand." Isaiah 64:8 

Prayers, Praise and Pink
~Carly

In Celebration Of

It got quiet in the house just now...so rare around here, unless its 6am (and even then you have a chance of Noah showing up awake!) The boys went to the grocery store and SG just laid down for a nap and I was sweeping - because my dog has been slacking on the crumb clean up lately - and it hit me.  Tomorrow is the first walk we are doing "In Memory Of", which is way different than "In Honor Of!" We did this walk last year while she was in Memphis, and then two days later I got to take the long trip to Memphis to see her for the first time in 6 weeks. Tears arrived, and while I'm so proud of what we are accomplishing in her memory, I sure wish she was physically here to experience it.  I miss her so much, and its days like today where I could sure use a chubby cheeked hug from her.  Where she would tell me, "it will be okay Mommy!"  

This little old Princess Strong Team, composed of 26 registered team members has raised $4,339.  We are ranked #97 amongst 613 teams. I'm still amazed at the support so many people from all over the country give to us.  I'm amazed that strangers have become family and would travel all the way to DC with us "in memory of". 

I remember last year feeling so proud of my fighter, that she had this horrible disease and she was fighting it with a smile.  This year, I feel even more proud that she fought that entire battle with a smile on her face and a dance in her step.  She never complained about doctors and shots and medicines.  She loved her St. Jude friends.  I'm proud that we made choices for her treatment based on prayer.  I'm proud that she knew that Mommy and Daddy loved her to the moon and back, but God loved her most.  I'm proud that even those she's gone from this earth that we continue to raise substantial amounts of money to show just how important this all is to us.  I'm proud we are dedicated to helping others who will be faced with the same road we traveled.  I know Ellie's purpose was fulfilled here on earth, and I want so badly to fulfil mine.

Tomorrow we will wake up bright and early and head to DC, with lots of friends and family in tow.  I remember stepping into Freedom Plaza last year and having my breath taken away but the shear number of people that were there to support brain cancer.  I'm expecting the same experience this year, but probably with a heavier but super proud heart.  Noah is beyond excited for this day, as he happily emptied his cancer kid piggy bank this morning to add to our team total.  I'm pretty proud of the huge heart this child has for helping other children with cancer. 
So I ask for prayers tomorrow, for safety and for peace. That when I become overwhelmed at the masses of people and the stress of getting there, that I can take a deep breath, close my eyes and envision my girl, dimple faced smiling at me, reminding me to dance to the music and sing out loud. And when my feet are tired (3 miles isn't a Sunday stroll for me) I remember everything my girl endured and I can press on...because its all in Memory of Ellie! Although I think I like "In Celebration of" much better, because lets face it, we should totally celebrate the fact that she is in heaven, with her Heavenly father, no longer enduring the pains of this world, and one day we will all be together again....dancing.

If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved. As Scripture says, “Anyone who believes in him will never be put to shame.” For there is no difference between Jew and Gentile—the same Lord is Lord of all and richly blesses all who call on him, for, “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.” (Romans 10:9-13 NIV)

Thank you for all who have donated to our team and helped us reach our goal.  There's still time if you'd like to help.  Click Here to donate to Team Princess Strong for the Race For Hope in DC.

Prayers, Praise and Pink

Carly