This past week has been trying, emotional, and sweet all wrapped up in 7 days (probably like 11 days now)! It really wasn't as rough as I anticipated it to be....actually I didn't anticipate much from this week, maybe I mean to say it wasn't as rough as people might assume it would be. No idea if that makes sense or not (remember its mother's day, and I've been home with mine by myself all afternoon!)
Race for Hope DC was a fantastic trip! Getting there was a little hairy....someone may have taken the wrong exit, someone may have had a meltdown or two, and some friends may have gotten stuck on the metro for an extra stop or two ( I was only directly involved in two of those incidents). But once we got there and we started walking, I watched Richard take off running, for his girl. I watched my sister and her husband take off running, for Ellie...my heart swelled!
(I just looked up and realized that Forest Gump is on TV and he's running...hehe). Forest Gump just ran because he liked running, my family ran because they made a promise to run in her honor. We finished the walk and found the Wall of Hope. There on this 20 foot long wall was my girl's beautiful face among all the other fighters, survivors and those whose journey had ended.
Of course there were tears, but hearing we were part of the 2.4 million raised, again filled my heart with pride. Our team alone raised over $4500!
During a crazy busy week at school, Noah once again spiked a fever. He was already on his 2nd round of antibiotics and 2nd run in with strep. I spent hours trying to calm myself down, to not freak out, its just a fever. But again when you've been to the doctor's office as much as we have, its hard not to let your brain run wild. He's all better now, and has been quite the sweet heart the past two days!
My birthday came and went, with sweet presents from my boys. I got to wear a tiara on my special day, but my boy was feeling puny, and my princess isn't physically here. It wasn't a horrible day, just felt a little empty.
As mother's day approached, I didn't really have any expectations for the day. I was excited because we'd all get to go to church together in the morning, something that hasn't happened a whole lot lately with Richard's busy work schedule. I couldn't help but smile that morning. Preacher was praying, Noah was holding my hand, and then reached over and put his other hand on my belly, and just patted it. This little boy is just wise beyond his almost 6 years. His heart, that he wears right on his skinny little sleeve, is just huge. He loves to help others and is just an amazing big brother. There came a moment in church, where that awesome peace came over me! And my heart said, "I don't miss her today". I know that sounds horribly harsh...but there are some moments in my day where the pain of missing her is immense. Or I'd just like for 10 minutes to feel like a whole person, not that someone is missing. And that morning I had it. The thought of her made me smile, I didn't feel sad, I felt her all around me, saying "I yove you mommy!"
Preacher delivered such a meaningful sermon to our life at the moment. This one line that struck me and stuck with me. God doesn't tell us our destination in life. If he told us the destination, we would focus on that and not the journey. If you could have seen the light bulb that went off over my head! Well duh! If God had told me last February when Ellie was diagnosed with cancer that she wasn't going to live, that would have been my focus for 11 months. I would have spent my time thinking when and where and why. I knew God was capable of doing anything he wanted to do in her life, so we focused so much on each day, not the future. We focused on making sure we prayed for her every day, we focused on encouraging others, we focused on keeping a smile on our family's face. We focused on living life. Not knowing the outcome, allows you to completely trust in God. With Ellie's type of cancer, we knew He was our only hope, we knew the statistics said that children under the age of 3 with metastatic pineoblastoma don't survive. But because I put all my trust in the Lord, and just focused on the day we were in, we made it through with a ton of happy memories. We went where the Lord told us to go, we allowed Him to shape us, to mold us, and to flatten us out a couple of times so that He could reshape us. And He's still continuing to reshape and remold our family.
"Yet you, LORD, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand." Isaiah 64:8
Prayers, Praise and Pink