As we drove home from the beach this year, Noah noticed how quiet I was (the boy picks up on everything) and asked what was up.  It was hard to explain to him how this trip down a physical road, had flooded my mind with so many memories.

Memories I wasn’t excited about, wasn't proud of, memories that shook me, in a way I hadn’t expected, and it probably wasn’t until he asked me what was wrong, did I realize I had gone back in time in my mind.

I went to collage in Hampton Roads area, drove that same highway numerous times. I was a completely different person in that time. Someone following a boy to college (don’t do it), someone completely unsure of themselves, someone looking for acceptance in others, someone to tell me I was worth something and loved. 

I didn’t have a bad childhood by any means. I knew my parents loved me and were proud of me.  I danced, played soccer for a whole season, did well in school, went to church when I was supposed to, but there was something missing that I had no idea that was missing, until I found it (that probably sounds confusing!)

I grew up believing that I just had to be good enough to go to heaven.  Don’t ask what good enough is…that’s a pretty subjective topic!  Like my kids would say pickles are good…I think there is nothing more gross!  We all have a different idea of good, and mine got more and more skewed the older I got. I’m pretty sure by the time I graduated high school, I wasn’t even thinking for myself anymore, I let others tell me what was good, no matter what the cost.  Oh that girl…if I could shake her I would!! I just had no idea that the acceptance and love I was looking for wasn’t going to come from a boy or a friend.  They are human and they fail, just like me. 

We are studying Jonah in VBS is this summer, and this past week I read about the attention grabbing wake up call God gave Jonah in the form of a storm. A storm that shook that boat and had all the boat people “crying out to their gods.” Jonah 1:5. You remember the story of Jonah, I’m sure! God told him to go somewhere and preach, and Jonah decided he knew what was good and he decided to go somewhere else.  God sent a warning in the form of that storm.  

My sophomore year of college, God sent me that warning, that wake up call that life was getting a little ridiculous. He was tired of watching me let others decide what was good. I left school a few weeks into my first semester that year. I completely ignored that warning. It wasn’t my fault, I was just unlucky…the excuses went on.  After some time at home, I went to another school 30 minutes from the first…I went right back to the life He tried to pull me away from because it felt “good”. Again I could shake that girl…she was so lost! 

But God…

Those two little words.  He didn’t give up on me, He didn’t decide I was too far gone or had sinned too much.  He continued His pursuit of me.  Looking back on it, it truly is a love story.  A story about how much God loved me!  Because of my time at home I worked a lot.  God brought Richard into my life at work.  We started dating, that led to a real relationship. That led to meeting his family, which was the first time I was introduced to a Baptist church.  I was intrigued. I wanted that.  I wanted that joy, I wasn’t sure I wanted to throw my arms in the air or yell Amen… but I knew there was something there.  Fast forward a marriage, a pregnancy, and now we find ourselves in a church, uncomfortable as all get out because I didn’t think I belonged. Yet we kept going and slowly God became real to me. I learned that the way to heaven wasn’t being “good enough”.  It was through a relationship with Jesus.  It was through acknowledging my sin, acknowledging Jesus’ death and resurrection, and acknowledging my need for him. “That if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.” Romans 10:9

From there God held our hands and hearts through births, deaths, job changes, pandemics, more births and more deaths.  I found what I was missing. I found the man that loves me, pays attention to me, accepts me, created me in His image.  I found what I didn’t know I needed, and I don’t have to be “good enough” to get it, it was freely given to me!

Now…I will admit I still struggle almost daily with acceptance of the world. I want my husband to acknowledge all I do, I want him to tell me I’m pretty.  But he’s human, he will fail.  I want my kids to be kind to me and respect others, but they are also human and they will fail. I want my friends to say all the right things to make me feel better, but they are human, they will fail.  I want to push all my anxieties aside and boldly try new things without fear…but you guessed it…I’m human I will fail. 

 

As much as I want these things, I don’t go searching for them in the world anymore. I go to God.  I tell Him my frustrations and all the ways I’ve failed and how those around me have let me down.  And He sweetly reminds me every time, that they will never be able to give me the things I want, only He can.  We (God and I) have this conversation often…because I’m a slow learner and I’m pretty sure while living in this world, I’m going to keep looking for it to meet my needs. The only One who can is the God that created me, didn’t give up on me, took that lost girl and changed her life.  

That drive home just stirred my soul so much. Happy and sad tears flowed, regretting the bad stuff but in awe of the face that despite all the bad God saved me, not because I deserved it or I was good enough, simply because He loves me and I asked Him to.  I drove back up 64 towards home, so grateful for the changes in me.  Thankful for the conversation it started between Noah and I about the importance of repentance and God's forgiveness! Honored to be called a Child of God. 

The only picture of us from vacation!

And the crazy cousins!

Where this all started

After Ellie died, there was understandably a hole in my heart.  It was so empty and nothing filled it up.  With her birthday closing in, we decided to have a party. But what do you do at a birthday party when the birthday girls isn't there?  So we decided to do something for someone else.  We chose a charity that was close to one our nurse's hearts and the idea of Ellie's Birthday Party was born.  

As good as it felt to do good and watch the amount of donations roll in, she still wasn't there. Over the next few years we raised money...a lot of money for different cancer charities and kept on celebrating Ellie's birthday by choosing other charities to help, but that hole wasn't filling up.  After each big event or fundraiser, I'd wake up the next day as empty as the day before.  

I knew I wanted to do something that shared our love of Jesus, in Ellie's name. I think the problem was I was making it all about Ellie for the first few years. Then I heard about Hope for Appalachia.  I remember driving to school, I remember exactly where I was in the car when I first heard them on the radio. God spoke to my heart and told me that was my next charity.  We reached out to Pastor Mike and told him our story and what we wanted to do.  

In 2017 we packed 120 Hope Boxes in my basement!

I don't remember the exact feeling that next day.  But a few weeks later, Richard and I headed to Kentucky on our first mission trip ever to deliver these boxes. 

And I remember that feeling.  I remember being exhausted in the best way ever!  I remember feeling so nervous and excited all at the same time! After that trip, I knew we had found our place!  It went from 120 boxes, to 400, 500, to 600, to 1061, to this year's 1625! We went from covering a few grade levels to covering an entire county.  The biggest thing is that this has become more about spreading the good news of Jesus and less about Ellie.  

I was so worried in the beginning she would be forgotten.  Raised all the money, spoke at all the events, just so I could talk about her.  That was my way to deal with grief, if I talked about her, it made her real, it made her life seem worth it.  The more and more Hope Boxes we made, the more I realized she will always be in my heart.  I will always carry her story with me wherever I go, be it work or to Kentucky.  Telling people about Ellie doesn't change their eternity but hearing about Jesus does. God has led me to an organization where I get to tell people my story of how God used a little girl with cancer to help kids in Kentucky! 

We just celebrated Ellie's birthday for the 8th time without her. Never fails to hit me the next day.  I feel empty again...but it sure doesn't take long for me to remember to fill that hole up with the thought that He has always been right there.  He holds me up when I feel like I can't stand anymore. He helps me breathe when I can't find the patience or the breath. Reminders of all He has done! 

Thank you all for making it possible! Without your continuous donations we couldn't do this.  Thank you for being faithful and allowing us to share our passion with you! Thank you!

We have one last fundraiser to top off our Hope Boxes and purchase some bibles to take with us.  If you are interested in a shirt or a hat, please visit our fundraising page by clicking the picture below! (You only have till Friday to order).

I do have a prayer request.  Please pray for our mission trip. Please pray that the doors will be open to the schools and that we will be able to talk to the kids!

Prayers, Praise and Pink

~ Carly

Today's Prayer of Praise

 Dear Heavenly Father,

You are my provider, able to do more than I can ask or imagine.  You forgive me when I mess up and love me with a great love.  You are my helper, my refuge and my comforter.  You show kindness to me each day and You are faithful to walk beside me always.  

God this morning we wake up and realize it has been 8 years since our girl left this world.  Eight years since I held her and heard her voice.  However, I acknowledge that you ended her earthly suffering, her life of doctor's appointments, medicines, and couch laying.  You brought her into your presence...which I can't even imagine.  

You have time and time again shown me that her short 1061 days was meant for a great purpose.  As much as I would have loved more time with her, You did what You did for a reason.  I miss her giggle, jokes about her hair, her munchies and how much she loved her daddy!  But you have continued to provide such peace to us.  

You continue to assure us and allow us to see changes in those around us that You Jesus have orchestrated because of Ellie's life.  You have moved people to create an amazing organization, Ellie's Elves, that helps so many families in need and shines Your light to others. You have moved my parents to serve others in Your name, through a food pantry.  Through that food pantry, You brought my dad to church where he's found You.  You spurred us on to do something for Ellie's birthday.  Which turned into 120 Hope Boxes, then 400, then 600, then 1000, then 1600!  To think all those kids have heard about Jesus, because of what you did with Ellie's life.  You have changed my job and brought me back to the community that walked with us through Ellie's life.  You allow me to serve the families now, that served us.  You have given my children an understanding of life and grief that allows them to understand others so much better.  You have allowed our sweet friend to walk her grief with her trust in You, because she's seen us do it before.  You are amazing.  

Thank you for allowing me to see all of this.  For giving me assurance that Ellie's death, was not the end of her life. For reminding me that EVERYTHING that happens in our lives is part of an intricate plan that we can't even imagine.  

You are mighty, You are all knowing, and I will continue to praise You in all things. 

In your Son Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

A sweet friend gifted us this beautiful painting.  The comfort this brings my heart is indescribable. Here we all are together in one picture, with the One who made this all possible!

Prayers, Praise and Pink

~ Carly

Kids in the Kitchen!

 Summer is winding down! We are getting lazy, a little stuck in our ways and a little too used to Momma being home and doing all the things! My kids are typically great eaters!  However lately, there has been a lot of "I don't like this" and "I didn't want this" and my favorite from Stori, "you need to make me some good food"!  Umm...who are you people and where did my kids go? 

Once I found myself in the middle of the epic "there are kids that have nothing to eat! They have to dig through dumpsters to find food and drink from dirty water" speech, I knew something had to change.  After my flesh calmed down, because I surely just wanted to holler "you ungrateful people!" I began trying to figure out what I could do to help my momma heart out and to teach them a little something. 

I thought back to a conversation with a friend who has everyone in her family pick out one meal a week and tell her all the ingredients she needs to buy.  I figured we could give it a shot!  I dread planning a menu, so now I have assigned the kids two nights a week. SG and Lu get one night and Noah and Stori get another night. Their job is to find a recipe, tell me what I need to get, and cook their meal that night. 

I really was hoping this would give the kids some sense of responsibility and maybe just a little appreciation for the people who make their food!  

So here is night number one, Lu and SG.  The girls decided one would choose dinner and one would choose dessert.  Lu choose to make Mini Lasagnas and salad. She was pretty excited about all the cheese!

We had to use egg roll wrappers instead of wonton wraps...and she may have been a little heavy handed on the cooking spray, but she did it!

And our salads were so delicious!

Bonus, SG decided to make ice cream and cool whip for desert!  I splurged with the brand name ice cream and it was oh so yummy!  I can't say this will solve all our meal problems, but it sure was sweet to watch them contribute to the family.  To see them learn how to find meals and prep.  It was a struggle for control freak mommy to not intervene when I knew all those lasagnas were going to have "soggy bottoms" (to quote our favorite British Baking Show), but the pride they had in doing it themselves was worth it!

We may be eating some interesting meals in the future - I've heard some of the ideas, but I'm willing to give it a shot if it helps the way we all treat one another and reminds us of just how blessed we are...SG has since prayed for the "kids who have to dig through the trash for their food" (at least she was listening to me!)

We'd love to know if you have any easy kid recipes to share!

Prayers, Praise and Pink

~Carly

He Sees

I really thought we made it through this season of memories pretty easily. I had a few tough days, and even though I had to work on December 22nd, I made it through full of peace. We enjoyed Christmas and we are about to celebrate New Year’s!

I’ve seen a few tears from Noah, but I kinda contribute it to hormones...12 is rough (I’m gonna go ahead and start praying now for when the girls hit this age!)  As he experienced another round of emotions last night, I see that it’s not just hormones, that boy has real memories and pain that he keeps on shoving down because they hurt too much.  Of course counselor mommy can’t handle the stuffing of emotions, so we’ve been digging.  Besides the hurt, he still questions God.  Why mom, why Ellie, why couldn’t He just heal her?  

This morning as I tried to find scripture for him (which Noah now says he always knows that’s what I’m going to do, because he’s lived with me for 12 years and he knows that’s what I do....know-it-all), I turned to the names of God. 

I’ve been working on a scripture writing challenge from Coffee With Starla all about the Names of God, so all these names for God are fresh in my mind. As I found what I wanted for him, I started to think of numerous other people I know who are struggling with one thing or another and thought, maybe this is something I could share with others. 

The God who sees. When things hurt like the death of your sister, or whatever you are experiencing, it’s easy to wonder “Does God even see me right now? Does He know how much this hurts?” Proverbs 15:3 tells us He sees everything, the good and the bad.  So as I went to write this out for Noah, I tried to think like Noah, “if God sees it all, why doesn’t He stop the bad stuff, why does He let me suffer?” 

It doesn’t do us much good to know that God sees everything, unless we have some kind of encouragement for the future.  So I went to my two favorites. Both of these verses talk about present sufferings and troubles...the ones we know God sees and allows to happen, the ones that hurt and cause chaos, death, frustration, pain, separation. As horrible as these sufferings seem, they can’t even be compared to the glory that is coming!  These troubles are the things we must go through to get where we are going, heaven!  

There’s this road on the way to Richard’s parents house that is horribly twisty and tiny.  My father in law always jokes that someone must have been drinking when they made that road.  It reminds me of these verses.  I’m sure because of property lines and right of way and whatever other rules there are about roads, someone had to design that road that way. I can’t possibly know all the reasons and definitely can’t see all the underground things that cause that road to be crazy, but it gets me where I’m going. I have to take that road if I want to visit my in laws. 

After the feelings all spill out, you’ve had your good cry, told God what hurts...I challenge you to sit with these two verses.  Do you believe them? Do you think that all that happens is for nothing, we just live in a world that eventually ends and that’s it?  Or do you believe that one day we will live in eternity with the God who loves us. Who sees all that we go through and gives us peace to just trust Him. That one day, it won’t hurt anymore and all those temporary troubles won’t even exist in our minds anymore.  We will live in eternity with the one who created it all.  <—— those thoughts right there, are what see me through. 

It’s the end of 2020.   As we head into 2021, choose to see, that He sees, He knows, and what you are going through matters, it will get you where you are headed...eternal Glory!

If there is a struggle I could pray for for you, please don’t hesitate to reach out!

Prayer, Praise and Pink

~ Carly

HOPE

I'm not sure what's in the air this week, but man are my emotions on overdrive! I shouldn't say I don't know what's in the air. I know we are heading into the season of lots of tough but super sweet memories. 7 years later and it still catches me off guard. Maybe because in a weird way, I don't feel like I remember her all the way, so why do you fall apart when you can't remember someone. I'm not sure that's the best explanation, but this momma of 5, and two puppies (yes...we now have puppies...yes...we are crazy) and full time school counselor, is tired! Yesterday I fell apart like I haven't in quite some time, and I know it was a good thing, my heart and body just needed to cry and it had to be a good cry. It started with this picture.

This sign was hanging in my bedroom in the townhouse we stayed in with Habitat for Hope in Memphis. This was the picture I stared at when I had to call Richard and tell him that Ellie's cancer was all over her brain and they said she had four weeks to live. I stared at that picture and cried on the side of my bed, confused and at peace all at the same time. That I can remember, hearing Richard's voice break, knowing he was driving, afraid he was gonna have an accident, feeling like I just wanted to run away. That pain is real when I see that picture. 

 It was like this amazing bright lightbulb that flickered amongst all the tears yesterday, HOPE.

We stayed with Habitat for Hope, we became friends, we fundraised for them. They were special to us. 

Seven years later, we are about to create 1061 HOPE Boxes for HOPE for Appalachia.  

He knew then. He had a plan. He knew what we were destined for. He knew I'd try to fill the Ellie hole with something, and I'd eventually learn that I can't fill it with anything else except HOPE. 

 He also knew I would hurt. He knew I'd fall apart. He knew who to put around me to hug me and pray for me. 

 It hurts, but there is HOPE. It It hurts, but I am thankful for the hurt and HOPE. Hope and confidence that this world and the chaos within it will not last forever. 

 A license plate pulled in front of me yesterday, in the midst of my tears, that said SORROW. I had to stop in the middle of my tears and laugh out loud...really God, what does that mean? Believe it or not, I found that same license plate at the end of my day in a parking lot...I laughed again, ok God, I'm listening. 

This morning, mixed with my HOPE light bulb, I get it... Sorrow will always be here on Earth, we can't escape it. But with my HOPE in Jesus, I know that sorrow will soon be erased! I will be with the one who created me. Who planned out my life and who has walked beside me every step of the way!

Prayers, Praise and Pink

~ Carly

If you'd like to learn more about our 1061 Hope Boxes, come join our group on FaceBook, 

Ellie's Big Give

Dear School Employee...

I've finished one week of work in my new school.  I am still absolutely in awe of God.  Of the things He's lined up for me to see upon starting this new job. I've cried tears of joy and gratitude almost every day on my way in...on my whole 10 minute car ride!  I know God is good and capable of amazing things, I just don't every remember being this aware of the things He is doing!

As exciting as it is to be back at work, at the job I've wanted for quite some time, there is still a level of uncertainty.  I've watched and listened to teachers this week try to figure out just how this new way of school is going to exactly work.  I've seen administration do and redo schedules and class lists over and over trying to make it all work. I've seen smiles of excitement and looks of fear. And I'm exhausted! 

If you work in a school building and haven't gone back in yet, here's my advice...

No one knows all the right answers, because no one has taught like this before. Everyone is doing their best right now, and that is different for everyone. Kids are amazing, I truly believe they will roll right along with whatever we tell them is gonna happen. 

We have to take our grown up expectations of "this is never gonna work" and throw it out the window.  You are right, it's never gonna work if that's what we are bringing to the table. We have to put on our "Cool Blue Magic Sunglasses" (thanks Pete the Cat) and see things in a whole new way!  Our students are finally going to get to see the people they love again.  They are going to have routines and scheudles again!  Kids are going to get their favorite school meals again.  Teachers are going to get to create relationships with 10 kids at a time, instead of trying to get to know all 20 of them at once. Kids that never had an ipad before, will now have one for their school work...how cool will they feel?!?!  The quiet kid in class, may now have a chance to speak up because they aren't intimated by the large room.

Is there going to be hard things...of course! Hard things can ruin us or make us grow.  I pray that everyone headed back into a school building can remember that things will not be the same this year.  We cannot change that and the longer we grieve over that the harder its going to be to get started on this upcoming year. I pray they will help each other come up with solutions and strategies. I pray they will listen to each other and maybe even feel safe enough to shed a tear of frustration and then move on.  

You work in a school because you love kids and you love helping them.  Let's show them that even a pandemic can't affect our love for them!

Prayers, Praise and Pink

~Carly