He told me he is going to heal her. In a moment a few nights ago while laying in bed and praying with Ellie, He said "I will heal her" I smiled, placed my right hand over my heart and he filled my body with peace. So why am I not screaming it from the rooftops....why didn't I tell Richard right away...because I'm being a doubter. I'm worried if I proclaim it and it doesn't happen I'll be wrong, that maybe I didn't really hear it, or maybe I'm crazy...that sounds so dumb. I've posted before about confessing sins to one another and I have got to let this one go.
I've had a tough couple of days, spiritually. I have been reading and praying hard. And as many great things as I read and am encouraged by...the doubts still creep in. Not even sure if I can call them doubts...just the thoughts that lead to other thoughts. The statistics and what other children go through, the fact that there's no real cure for what Ellie has...it just all has been overwhelming. I guess its hard to look at all the "facts" of this earth and then believe in something I cannot look at, but only hear and feel, and even then no one else can hear or feel what I feel. My brain still hasn't shut up and with Ellie's emotional roller coaster she's been on this past week, it hasn't been easy. Thankfully I had the relief of family for a few days. Nothing brings Ellie's spirit up like visitors and plus is was her Uncle Wayne. Ellie loved having friends to love on and play with...not the same old Mommy!
Our visitors left Saturday and Ellie's meltdowns came back and my crazy brain started up again. I just felt so confused...why am I still struggling with all these questions and thoughts...I've been praying...what am I doing wrong? Here's the answer I found, right in my daily devotional I opened that night -
" Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do". James 1:2-8
Oh hello..."when you ask, you must believe and not doubt"...sound familiar. I've been praying and asking for help...but where is my loyalty...to God or to the world. I love the description of a wave...that is exactly how I feel...I get to feeling good, confident in myself and my strength...and then something (the world) drags me back out to sea and my confidence is shaken. (I also like this description because I am missing the beach something bad this summer!)
So reading that devotional got me all excited that I read the next one too...(I'm so far behind anyway, I could read a weeks worth and still be behind!). Here's the quote that grabbed me...
"Those who abandon ship the first time it enters a storm miss the calm beyond. And the rougher the storms weathered together, the deeper and stronger real love grows." - Ruth Bell Graham
Apparently I have a beach/sea theme going on...but I don't think that's why I loved it. I loved it because I've always thought this journey we are on is going to bring Richard and I closer, our families closer, others closer to God, but I never thought about my own relationship with God. This storm is bringing me closer to Him, I am experiencing real love. This isn't easy. Those nights I can't sleep trying to plan out the rest of my life, I beg for peace and sometimes it doesn't come...and sometimes it does. He is making me question myself, He is showing me my weaknesses and showing me exactly how to fix them. Every time I struggle, he leads me to the answer, its up to me to read it and do it. He is teaching me things that so many people may never get a chance to experience about His love. Not that I would wish this illness upon anyone, but the lessons I've learned, I wish I could teach everyone. I should be beyond grateful that my Lord listens to me cry, hears my prayers and plainly says "I will heal her". People have told me before, she will be fine, they believe she will be healed, I thank them, but in the back of my head there's this voice that says "you don't the statistics". But this life isn't about statistics, its about living by faith, not by sight, or statistics.
So as I stood in the shower this morning and those silly thoughts tried to creep back in, I put that right hand back on my heart ("So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10) and that beautiful heart warming peace surrounded me. I continually repeated "trust in the Lord with all your heart" and I made it through that moment. My wonderful husband (who I will see Tuesday!!) called just at the right time, and I finally shared with him what the Lord told me. It was hard to explain it in words on the phone, but I did it and now I'm excited to share it with you all. I'm smiling because He has told me His plan, He will heal her. He has given me the tools I need when doubt starts to creep in. He loves me.
And He loves this little princess too!
So now you know my confession. Since I have shared it with you, I hope that you will pray for my doubts to stay away. That I will remember in those rough spots to place my right hand on my heart, and not try to "reason" things out with the facts of this world.
Prayers, lot of Praise, and Pink