Dear God, its me, Carly

I'm pretty sure the week we found out Ellie had cancer was much easier than this past week.  By Tuesday night I was done, I know as a mommy we aren't allowed to be "done" but I was.  After more tears and no direction, I took my yarn and my music into my room and placed myself in time out.  I went there because I felt so mad...not at anyone in particular, just mad.  I was to that pouting point where I was slamming things around and acting like a teenager.  During my time out I did my best not to think about cancer, or choices or anything except the hat I was trying to finish. After I had calmed down and finished my hat, I began to read, hoping for some type of words that were going to jump off the page and tell me where to go, or give me a clue as to what to do.  I got nothing.  I went to bed with another heavy heart and no set plan.  When you know there is cancer growing inside your child's head, everyday you don't have a plan and aren't treating it feels horrible.  The next morning in the shower, I was begging God to speak to me, trying to be quiet so he could talk...but as the thoughts continued to role through my head, I heard nothing.  So far all we knew was that whatever choice we made, I would be the one to go with her, and that we were going to have to pull Noah out of his school....again.  Feeling like mother of the year for once again making Noah change schools, but we are 40 minutes away from his school, which isn't a problem when I'm working, but since I won't be there, its a little bit harder.  I spent Wednesday at school, attempting to put as much down on paper as I could for my replacement.  That evening I managed to get 3 kids to church and fed with minimal meltdowns.  Both kids got to go to AWANAS....Ellie's first time, she liked it, even though she was a little upset at the fact she had food on her pants.  I'm not sure where this need to be a clean kid came from...my mom swears I couldn't stand being dirty as a kid either...I don't believe her :)  After a fun night at church, I decided I wasn't going to bring up anything about our current dilemma.  We got the kids to bed, and we spent the evening together watching TV...no talk about cancer.  That night I gave up.  I decided I was going to stop trying to figure this out on my own.  I was going to stop trying to come up with the answer to this puzzle. I later on was reminded that the women's bible study had a day of fasting on Wednesday...the day I gave it all up to the Lord, the first good day we'd had in a few days.

Thursday was a super busy day for me at school.  During my day I kept thinking back to that peace I felt on Sunday, when we first though about radiation.  Not that radiation makes me feel good, but I felt okay with our decision.  I realized as our week went on, and we desperately attempted to get information from the outside world and figure this out on our own, I felt worse and worse.  We were praying for guidance and wisdom...but we were then trying to find our own wisdom.  Richard and I finally decided that radiation was going to be our path. We realize that others may choose other paths...but for us, for many reasons, this is what we choose.  I don't really feel the need to explain our reasons, and at this point we aren't searching for what others have done, or any more information. We have searched...we have read the same 5 articles on Pineoblastoma, over and over (I joke, maybe there are 8 articles out there).

By Friday, I felt good, I felt peace.  I am not excited to be leaving my family again.  I am not looking forward to the conversation with Noah about school.  (editor's note, Noah took the news like a pro, no tears, hoping that when the reality of it sets in later this week, he will be okay).  I am not thrilled that I am now missing more of SG and Noah's lives.  But I know God is leading us down this road.  As the rest of our problems are starting to be solved...all I can do is smile.  I am starting to see just how God has planned this all out.  The people who have been brought into our lives...that we couldn't function without right now.  The doors that are opening once again are amazing.  I know that God had this planned before I was born, but I can now look back 5 years and know exactly why things have happened in our lives, that at the time caused me great stress, but were all a part of His grand plan. 

We got to spend yesterday with family and friends supporting cancer research.  This was the first event that Ellie has gotten to be a part of. 

 

 

Missing a few team members, but by far the best looking team around!  Our team raised over $3000 as of yesterday.  And as I learned yesterday, 100% of the proceeds go to children's cancer research.  They also announced yesterday that CureSearch is committing 5 million to research for the cancers that are so hard to treat....that's us!

 

So Ellie and I will be heading back to St. Jude sometime soon.  Ellie has been a tad cranky lately...we are pretty sure it is due to an increase in one of her meds...and being 2 years old.  Other than that she is like any other child, running, playing and fighting with her brother.  While I feel at peace with our choice, I still have moments of just tears.  Usually when I start to think to far into the future, when my mind goes past today. 

 

We've been asked again what people can do to help us.  Prayers are great right now, especially for Richard and I...as I know our hearts are heavy some days.  Also we have a team in an upcoming walk for St. Jude.  We would love for you to support our team.  Right now we have all we need, but there will always be a huge need at St. Jude.  By supporting our team, you will be helping St. Jude provide the amazing care they do.  You can donate by following this link Team Princess Strong

 

Romans 8:28-29 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.

Exodus 14:14 The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.

 

Prayers, Praise and Pink

~Carly