The Blaines

The Blaines
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Buggin' For a Cure

Buggin' For a Cure
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Sunday, November 9, 2014

What's Wrong?

A question we seem to ask a lot lately, unfortunately I've been struggling to find the answer to that. I don't really know, I will be fine and happy and snuggling my new baby girl, and then it hits me, and the only way I can describe it is empty. That's probably the last word someone would think I would use to describe life right now. My house is busy, we are constantly feeding, washing, driving, changing diapers and sleeping (well some of us). My house is far from empty, and I like it that way. But my insides, those are a whole other story, those feel empty. I'm sure the crazy hormones don't help, but the hole in my heart these past few days, feels bigger than ever. It's unrepairable too it seems. I keep trying to fill it with something and every time I do, it feels even more empty. I've tried crocheting, jewlery, working on auction stuff, even cleaning (I know...I'm desperate) but nothing seems to fill that void. It's still there taunting me, reminding me, she's gone. She's everywhere in this house, in all the pictures, in her sisters, her clothes that SG wears, but she's no where. The empty seat in the van just screams...missing kid!!!  I just want to hold her, or even just her hand, that would make me happy. The feeling of being lost overwhelms me at times. Not like I don't know where I am lost, just without purpose lost. I sit here just hoping it will come to me, I will figure out what it is I'm supposed to be doing, hoping it will fill up the hole just a little bit, so it won't feel so empty, but so far it hasn't come to me.
Please don't get me wrong, I don't spend my days crying all day. In fact our house is full of new life and new love. Lulah is such a blessing. She's sweet and calm. She likes to snuggle and really isn't all that demanding.  Some nights she sleeps lots and some not so much. So tolerates SG's continual kisses, and attempts to pick her worries, SG has not succesfully picked Lulah up, but you gotta watch her!  In fact, for the "non baby" person I am, I feel super attached to her. There's just all these other crazy jumbled feelings.

There's a lot I've learned about grief and a lot I'm still learning. One important thing I've learned is crying is necessary. There are days when a memory creeps in and I can turn it off because I know it's going to cause too many tears for that moment. And then there are times, I don't turn the memory off, I know it's going to hurt to allow it in, but sometimes the hurt feels good....that sounds so weird. 
This was our last trip to chic fila after what would be her last clinic appointment. This was the first time she threw up, and I knew why. I wanted to be in denial, pretend it didn't happen, but when I look back on this picture, I can see how tired she was, how hard she was trying. This is one of those memories that I can only allow through at certain times, because it hurts, a lot.

There's been lots of tears, and often all I can say to Richard is "I don't know what's wrong". It's closing in on a year since Ellie left us. I can't believe it's been that long.  Who knew the further out it got, the worse it would hurt.  I'm just over it. The reality is, it's not going to end, there's always going to be a hole that hurts.  Everything sparks a memory, songs, movies, sounds, clothes, car rides. Even Noah has been more weepy lately, maybe I'm contagious! 

What is my purpose in telling you all this? A release for me, sharing in case someone else is going through the same roller coaster ride and feels alone, or maybe just a big old self reminder that I will never be able to satisfy my needs with things go this world....that one literally just came to me like a huge light bulb! (That's why I blog!) I'm never going to fill my Ellie hole with crocheted hats or a clean house. The pain will never be eased by a shopping trip, even a Target one! Then pain will be eased through prayer, I will find direction through asking for it. This is just another valley I'm traveling through, I'm sure there will be more, but also many more mountains! 

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:16-18 NIV)

Prayers, Praise and Pink


MotheringBoys said...

I love you, my friend. Your raw feelings are apparent and I will increase my prayers for you. I, too, cannot believe we are coming up on a year. Even though I only knew Ellie from afar, I still think of her often. Praying God cradles you in His arms and shows you constantly that He is walking with you. HUGS!

Mylissa said...

oh sweetie. First of all, thank you SOOOO so much for honestly and authentically sharing your heart. And this is it - this is the moment when the grief settles in - the reality that life and family and kids and school and all that is on this earth is just marching on - but without Ellie. The presence of a new little girl in your home solidifies that and reminds of that truth. You are doing the very best you can - you are feeling, letting the tears come - in allowing the pain to rest in our hearts we will eventually find a sense of healing. And you are right - it just sucks - and being free of that weight would be really nice. But it will continue to come in inches, and one day, oddly, it will hurt a little less. Just a little tiny bit less. And there will be a shock and a grief in that, but also a gift. Rejoicing with you that your sweet is home with her Abba in heaven, and praying ALWAYS for you guys. We love you.

Wendy said...

I can't imagine what you are going through. Losing my mom took me about 3 years until the anniversaries didn't hurt so bad so I can't imagine how I would feel if it were my precious baby. I think it is completely normal to feel an empty hole. It takes time and its ok to feel that way. The amount of time is different for everyone. There is no right or wrong. You are a wonderful caring loving mother and a beautiful person. Sometimes all you can do is is take it a day at a time or a minute at a time. Its just normal. I always wish I had a magic wand to fix hurting people but I can never find it. Know that people are hurting with you, not as much as you unless they are your family and that you are not alone. Time heals, never goes away completely but gets a little easier. Will be in prayer for you. God bless you and help you through. You are an inspiration to many and so was Ellie. If you were a superhero it wouldn't help others when they were hurting. They watch you and know its normal and its ok to cry. Hard to know why things happen on earth but someday we will all be together again as you know in a place with no pain.....forever. Until then take it a day at a time, cry when you want, laugh when you want. Don't let anyone give you a time limit. There is no time limit in grief. So glad you have those beautiful children and a wonderful husband to help you through. Praying for you.

Debbie Strawser said...

My prayers are always with you.Thank you so much for sharing with us. I know in my heart that God had a plan for Ellie right from the start.She touched so many people ,and even though it's been almost a year,she is still very much with all of us. When I come to Orange I'm constantly reminded of her. I still see people with the pink ribbons up, her picture is by the register at the Dairy Corner,and her picture is on the refrigerator at Kim's house. She was and will always be a source of inspiration to all of us. I thank God for sending this sweet little Princess ,even for such a short time she touched so many.