So not only did I get to celebrate my birthday this weekend, but also Mother's Day....it was the perfect weekend! After a week of rain, the sun started to shine and Richard was off to enjoy the whole thing with me. I got to keep the kids outside all weekend to run off all that energy they had built up sitting inside for a week! I was spoiled with yummy meals and deserts and beautiful kid decorations. I think SG was more excited for my birthday then me! I got to enjoy snuggles with my drooly nephew and watch Richard try to help Noah ride a two wheel bike. My kids got exhausted and slept in! I got to be back in my Sunday School class after a few weeks of being away and then serve my church in nursery. We took off to Richard's mom's house and enjoyed more beautiful weather and family time. It was a picture perfect weekend if you could envision one.
All weekend I watched those three kids that call me mom play with one another and holler from time to time, and in the back of my head, I kept thinking, "where would Ellie fit into that?" I watched monkey get passed between SG and Lulah, and wondered "would Ellie still be carrying monkey around or would she share"....but I kept on pushing those thoughts back into the dark where it came from. I notice the space between Noah and SG and imagine Ellie's head there..."would she be taller than Noah?" Again I shake it off and just enjoy the sunshine.
After a while, you can't push it, shake it, or hide it anymore. The kids are all in bed and there's nothing else to fill your day with and you are faced head on with the reality of the day/weekend. The reality that there are pictures of 4 kids on my wall...but only 3 in my house. Its my day to celebrate being a mommy and I cannot hug one of them.....man that hurts....and the hurt exploded into a million tears.
I imagine I'm not the only one who had that experience yesterday. I'm not the only woman who smiled all day, but once the sun set, couldn't find her smile anywhere anymore.
Women who long to be mother's, friends with no children, whose hearts must ache on this day. Mother's who have lost their children, young and old. I think of friends who have lost babies in the womb, who have had to explain why they aren't pregnant anymore, and the pain that must cause. Those whose mother's are no longer here to celebrate with. I imagine there were lots of "holes" in hearts yesterday that cannot be filled.
This is where you dig deep. I can't say I went to bed with a sweet and happy spirit last night. I went to bed with an exhausted soul, who still has complete trust and hope in the future God has planned for me and the promise of eternity in heaven. I went to bed physically tried from a fun weekend, blessed with an awesome family and a longing in my heart for my Ellie. I couldn't take my eyes of her picture last night, she's so stinking cute and I imagine what a duo she and SG would be, probably driving me even more crazy then I am right now, and putting their Daddy into a panic because of how beautiful they are!
In times like this, my only option is to rely on the promises God has given, because every part of my flesh hurts, and relying on my own thinking is getting me no where.
"I believe I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord; be strong, and may your heart be stout; wait on the Lord." Psalm 27:13-14
"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, neither angels nor principalities nor powers, neither things present nor things to come, neither height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:37-39
"We know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose" Romans 8:28
"Let your lives be without love of money, and be content with the things you have. For He has said: 'I will never leave you, nor forsake you.'" Hebrews 13:5
I know I'm not alone, I know that He walks with me and often provides others in my path to help me get to where I need to be. I have to continue to trust that all this my family is going through, all that other families are facing, is producing in us, Hope.
"Not only that, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us." Romans 5:3-5
"Just remember, every flower that ever bloomed had to go through a whole lot of dirt to get there!" - Barbara Johnson
So this week as I cling to God's word, and put my priorities on Him, I pray for all the others out there who are going through "the dirt". I pray that they remember God has promised us a future, an eternal life with Him...He just never promised we wouldn't get dirty....or go a little crazy!
Prayers, Praise and Pink