Invisible

Saturday, August 18, 2018

The kids started school this week...and when I say kids I mean, Noah in 5th grade and SG has entered Kindergarten!

That's right...I have two in school! How did she grow up so fast? I'm excited for her and nervous all at the same time. Her love of life is tremendous, but her meltdowns can also be full of emotion! She has sailed through the first week with excitement and energy! A sticker every day in her folder, some meltdowns at home, but I'd say its been a successful week...for the kids.

The first day of school, about 10 minutes from school, I started to cry. It's then that I realize this shouldn't be my first girl to go to kindergarten. I should have sent Ellie to kindergarten two years ago. I should be bringing three kids to school with me, I should have a second grader too. All SG's milestones are marked with a tiny bit of sadness. She was born the year
Ellie died, so its always a reminder of how long it's been since I've seen Ellie's face.

SG isn't my oldest girl, yet she is my first girl to do all the things. I imagine it's going to be this way all her life for me, that tiny piece of me that remembers the daughter no one sees. I fully trust that God had a different plan for Ellie's life, and know that having her with Jesus now, means I don't have to ever worry or doubt that I will see her in eternity. The sad days are so few and far between...the grief becomes invisible, like Harry Potter wrapped up in the invisibility cloak (H.P. is Noah's newest obsession). You can't see it, and most of the time I don't see it either, you may sense a little something, but its so well hidden! Then something like the first day of school rolls around and BAM! The cloak is pulled off and there's the sadness and tears. Gotta put the cloak back on because no one needs a school counselor crying on the first day of school...its my job to deal with others' tears! But as the days go on the sadness just becomes too hard to cover up, and even though I'm not constantly thinking about it, it eventually becomes to big for the cloak and I have to show someone the tears. Thank goodness I'm surrounded by some people that don't mind my tears, and realize that I may look like I'm crying about bus dismissal or making dinner, but I'm really crying over my daughter that should be there at school with me, and isn't.

So I've been praying for the other parents and grandparents like me out there. I know it hurts, no matter how many years it's been. I know a part of you is missing, and some days its totally easy to function with out that part...kinda like your tonsils. But other days, it feels like the part of you that is missing is a vital organ, like your lungs, and without it you just can't breathe. You know your child existed, they aren't invisible, they will live on in your thoughts and memories and words. It's okay to talk about them lots, it's okay to wonder what they'd be like, its okay to be okay or not be okay. It's okay to ask God "why"...but make sure you wait and listen for the answer!

I pray your school year has been off to a great start, and if it hasn't started yet, I pray it's a good one! Enjoy all the moments, breathe deep, count to 10, drink another cup of coffee and thank God for all that you have!