As pink sky pictures popped up all over Facebook, I couldn't help but smile. I guess as a parent whose lost a child, you are afraid that your child will be forgotten, she wasn't forgotten that day.
As the snow let up, I figured it was time to suck it up and start shoveling, at least the sidewalk. I have to be honest...it looked rough! I'm spoiled by my hubby who will go out and shovel no matter the conditions, and he always clears the sidewalk perfectly, apparently I don't have that same ability. I went on a hunt for rock salt to melt all the slick spots. I found some...up high on a shelf. Again I would normally ask for help, but I had to go find my own stool to stand on (man do I sound spoiled?)
Today as I headed out again to take advantage of the sun and the warmth, I grabbed my shovel. And I not sure if I was just delerious from the kids at home by myself all week, or The Lord was truly speaking to me...but I heard "see what you are capable of?" And as the snow melted away, thanks to my shoveling and salt spreading, I had a sense of satisfaction. Not that I want to shovel in the next snow storm (and the way it's been a round here lately that may be next week!) but when I have to do something, when I have no other option, I can do it. I thought back to Ellie, like I always do. I thought back to all the times I heard "I don't know how you do it." There were no other choices, we just had to. And just like shoveling is no fun, neither is watching your child near the end of her life...but what else are you gonna do?
Why does God put us in these uncomfortable situations? Why does he give us these tasks that seem impossible? The only answer I can give is so that you can see just what you are capable of. So that you can find your strength, and even if it's just from snow shoveling, you can feel happy of the thing you accomplished. I am not happy that Ellie is gone, but I'm super proud of the way Richard and I dealt with it all. I am happy that we continually prayed for guidance and strength to help us accomplish those gigantic tasks. We faced the unthinkable, and I remember often thinking, "how in the world are we going to do this?" But the awesome thing about God, he will lead you down the path that works best. It might not seem like the best path at the time, but I promise you, there's a reason for all the detours, wrong turns, u-turns and traffic delays...he's got it all worked out!
I face my next mountain tomorrow, I go back to work after not being there for almost 6 months. I told Noah I was nervous, of course he asked why. I told him I was worried I might cry...his response "remember what you told me at the cemetary mom? It's okay to cry" I hate when my words comeback to bite me, but he's right. The only person who has a problem with me crying is me. So I will head into work tomorrow (2 hours late...thank you Culpeper!) I know I will be surrounded by love...that's the best part of working with kids! I know that God has given me this challenge to help me see my strength and His. And I will keep reminding myself to be Princess Strong!
The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him. (Psalm 28:7 NIV)
I sure will miss these two tomorrow! And my snow shoveling super hubby comes home tomorrow!
Prayers, Praise and Pink,