We have celebrated another birthday in the Blaine house! Little miss SG has turned 2! 

We celebrated before her actual birthday (which always confuses Noah) with family and friends and some lovely sunshine! We used SG's love of Elsa, Olaf and Let it Go to create a not too over board Frozen party for her!  We dawned our Olaf hats and Princess crowns and enjoyed our snowmen and ice cream!  

A friend had shared with me how they use their kids birthdays as opportunities to donate money to different charities.  I thought this was a wonderful idea, so instead of presents (although there were some rule breakers...and SG really appreciated that I'm sure) everyone brought a card and cash.  SG easily earned $300 to donate to our CureSearch team!  The kids had so much fun...and slept very well that night!

As SG's real birth "day" crept closer, those crazy nervous thoughts kept running on repeat in my head.  She's gonna be two, Ellie was two when she got sick. In fact it was the day of her birthday party she started really showing signs of illness.  I can still remember where she was in the basement the first time she threw up.  I know that was Ellie, I know how rare her cancer is, I know its not hereditary, but I was struggling keeping my logical brain in check.  As SG turned two, I couldn't help but think that she should already have a big sister who is "showing her the ropes", instead she's the big sister role model (which is just scary if you know her!).  I really didn't expect to have such a tough reaction to this celebration, but I guess that's the funny thing about grief...there's no rules.  There's no warning, you can prep all you want, but you just can't possibly prepare yourself for all of it.  I really missed her this week, and thought a lot about what her role in our family should have been.  And that's where God meets me, and says "let me help you".  Ellie's life was not meant to go past 1061 days.  His work through her and us continues, but her days on earth were numbered, just like all of ours.   

"You have decided the length of our lives. You know how many months we will live, and we are not given a minute longer". Job 14:5

Remembering that has really helped me when I start to think about what she would be like.  I don't find myself wondering often about milestones down the road, because frankly they weren't meant for my child.  And God really had to remind me of that this week as I struggled with Ellie not being here for this celebration, and after He reminded me once, I had to be reminded again.  

"Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me." 2 Cor 12:9

I'm happy to say, we have made it through the birthday week without any major incidences.  I think the only real meltdowns came from Mommy!  SG is still as rotten as before, and continues to practice her independence daily.  She's beautiful and full of life.  She can warm my heart with her little pat on the back she gives when she hugs you, and send my blood boiling 2 seconds later when she tell me no.  And one day her sense of adventure and dramatic flair will serve her well!  
I can only imagine when Lulah turns two, I will probably go through this all over again.  Maybe this time I'll be a little more prepared...or not, this grief is one crazy roller coaster!
  “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2

 Prayers, Praise and Pink

Carly

*You probably noticed the shirt picture at the top.  These are shirts we are selling until April 4th.  The proceeds go towards Team Princess Strong's goal of raising $10,000 for CureSearch for Childhood Cancer Research.  If you click on the picture it will take you to the website to order. Thank You!*

Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time in the land of Old Navy, a young man laid eyes on a young lady. He gathered up the courage to ask her on a date, and after three tries she finally said yes! However the young lady had to return to Old Dominion to continue her education.  The two quickly fell in love even though there was much distance between them.  Over the next few years they had many adventures together and the time finally came where the young man felt he wanted to ask the young lady to be his wife.  So on a magical night, next to a sparkling tree in the kingdom of Central Park, he got down on one knee and proposed.  The young lady cried and said Yes!

Over the next year they planned a wonderful celebration full of family and friends, and enjoyed dancing the night away!

After their marriage the happy couple left the land of the beach, and moved to the land of Orange to conquer new kingdoms.

Soon the couple was blessed with their first son, Sir Noah.

They enjoyed their son so much and loved bringing him to church and playing outside with him.  He began to help them understand unconditional love so much better.

As time went by, the family of 3 learned they were going to have a little princess joining their family.  Princess Ellie came into the world during some snow, and brought with her joy! Sir Noah fell in love with his new baby sister, as did his daddy.

The lady of the house was so happy to finally have a girl to share all things girly with.  In fact Princess Ellie inspired her mommy to take on a new craft of crocheting, to ensure that the Princess had a hair bow for every outfit!

The children grew and the house was full of chaos and love.  Soon they learned their family would again be growing and another princess would soon be making her arrival.

However right before Princess Ellie's 2nd birthday an evil villain attacked the Princess.  She began to get sick and nothing her parents did made her any better.  The kingdom's doctors did their best to figure out what this villain was, however it was sneaky and hid itself well inside the Princess' beautiful head. Finally after weeks of illness, the villain was discovered and the best surgeon in the land flew in to try to get the villain out.  It was a stubborn villain, much like the princess herself, and the surgeon could only remove part of him.  The husband and wife soon learned the name of this evil villain, Pineoblastoma.  Together they vowed to continue to worship their King Jesus, and fight this villain one day at a time.  The kingdom turned pink in honor of the young Princess, and the members of the kingdom blessed the family continually.  The newest princess, Sarah-Grace was born and Sir Noah and Princess Ellie both adored their new sister.

Soon Princess Ellie and her Daddy headed to a far away kingdom of St. Jude that was better suited to battle this villain. Though they were far apart and there were days that they were scared, they continued to honor their King, knowing that the King had chosen this special family to fight this fight.

This royal family joined forces again and once together they were unstoppable, with the super power to make anyone laugh with just one glance.

Princess Ellie endured many different medicines, lost her hair, and some weight, but never once complained about her situation.  She loved the new royal doctors who were helping her battle, and although silent, she would show her love through stickers and smiles.  The family finally won the battle!  The villain had been destroyed! Praise to the King!

However this villain, did not like being defeated, in fact it quickly gathered an army of other villains and re invaded the young Princess' head.  Their hearts ached, but they knew their King was continuing to escort them on this journey and although they could not always see Him, He knew what was happening.  The royal doctors did all they could to defeat the villain and his armies, but they were too powerful and plentiful.  The husband and wife told each other how much they loved one another and then they turned the battle over to the King.  

The King took over and gave them peace in their hearts and allowed them time to enjoy one another in their own kingdom.  Princess Ellie spent much time with her royal family, especially the youngest princess, teaching her all the royal ways.

They even took a trip to a magical kingdom, where Princess Ellie was surrounded by her fellow princesses who showed her lots of love and support.

As the Princess grew tired, her parents knew her time in the land of Orange was nearing an end.  They continued to ask their King for a miracle, but also asked Him to guard their hearts and not allow they to become angry.  Princess Ellie soon left this earthly land, only to take her place in the Kingdom of her Lord.  She left behind a family forever touched by the villain, but also forever strengthened by the King.  

Soon after Princess Ellie left Orange, the royal family was again blessed by the King with another beautiful girl, Princess Lulah.

And Sir Noah was given another Princess to protect.  Princess Ellie continues to reign in the hearts of many.  The sky often turns pink and the family's hearts flutter and they praise the King for allowing them those little blessings and reminders of a sweet girl who accomplished so much in such little time.  The family also is grateful to serve as a beacon of hope to other kingdoms and families who are battling the same villain.  They hope to continue to let their light shine for their King Jesus.

The mom and dad of this royal family have surely suffered heartache.  They have often looked at each other and cried without the right words to be said, but they are comforted in knowing there is a plan that the King has created, and all they have gone through is for the good.  

As the mom in this fairy tale, I can't thank my King enough for providing a husband to me who tries his best to understand and support me.  Who holds me when I cry and brings me back to reality when I'm going nuts.  Who lifts me up and always knows when I need a hug.

I love you Richard and I'm so thankful I get to spend my Happily Ever After with you.

Happy Anniversary!

Prayers, Praise and Pink

Carly

Hide and Seek

SG thought it might be fun to play hide and seek with me tonight...she just didn't tell me about it. I panicked going from room to room looking for her saying her name and hearing nothing. It was an eerie silence. Our house isn't that big and she can't open doors, but I think anyone who has experienced the death of a child has a little PTSD (my official diagnosis) so moments like this send my heart and mind racing. I finally located her behind the bathroom door trying to put toothpaste on her tooth brush. Once I could breathe again I tried to reason with her almost 2 year old self about why it's not okay to hide from Mommy, I'm sure she totally understood all I was saying!  So after our chat I realized a few things 

1. She's too smart for her own good.

2. I must have looked silly having this intense chat with a 2 year old 

3.  I take her granted...and I should know better

So I decided to let her help me with dinner, something I'm pretty sure I have not let her do before. As she pushed her chair over to the counter I smiled, she all of sudden looked way older. I realized once again time is moving so fast. SG is very talented at pushing all my buttons which sometimes makes it hard to enjoy the little moments with her. She was putting pepperonis on and I was reminded of a very similar day with Ellie. 

These sweet memories flooded me, but instead of tears, I felt happy and proud. So SG and I snapped a pic!

While we were taking our 20 pictures with all our silly faces....this happened...

And once I realized I captured this image...completely unplanned... I couldn't have been more happy because I knew there was a very similar picture of Ellie and I. 

 In moments like these Ellie shines through. SG is a very different kid then Ellie....than all my kids. But as she nears the age of two I see more and more of her sister in her, the dance moves, some of the smiles, the facial expressions, I like it...it's like having little bits of Ellie in the house.  Nearing two, also has my senses totally heightened to everything she does. It was right after Ellie's 2nd birthday that she started getting sick. I keep watching SG smile, to make sure both sides are moving, or that her eyes aren't dilating funny. Then you have to remind yourself cancer doesn't happen to everyone. And that if for some crazy reason it did happen again, I know that God would see me through, just like he did before and will continue to do.

Moral of the story...happieness is always hiding out in the house, sometimes you just have to go seek it. (And your two year old in my case!)

Just wanted to share my happy little story. 

"In the day of prosperity be joyful, and in the day of adversity consider: God has made the one as well as the other, so that man may not find out anything that will be after him." Ecclesiastes 7:14

Prayers, Praise and Pink

Carly

Giving Hope

Once again Ellie's birthday has come, and without her here I knew I wanted to celebrate her by giving Hope to someone.  This year I choose our friends at Habitat for Hope.  They did so much for us while we were in Memphis, however the love for this group goes beyond just our time there.  I can't really explain why I feel the relationship I do with them, we are just connected.  When I asked my friends what they needed most, they explained that gift cards are so helpful to give out to families.  When I announced what we were doing, gift cards started coming in slowly.  I worried for a bit, stressed some more, and by the time of Ellie's party we had over $1500 in gift cards.  With the last few that have shown up, the total is well over $2,000 in gift cards and tons of tissues, chapstick, crayons, gum, hand lotions and more!  Since Ellie's favorite movie is Rapunzel, we decided to have a Rapunzel themed party, I'm pretty sure she would have loved it, especially all the Rapunzel hair around!

 A huge thanks to my friend Bobbi for this beautiful cake!

 We also made craft kits to send to St. Jude for the kids!

 We had helpers of all ages!

 Getting our crafty on!

The all important blowing of the balloons!

Rapunzel likes pizza...right?!?

Lighting the sky for Princess Ellie, around her Christmas tree.

 

There they go

 Enjoying the rice krispy tower!

What it's all about, giving Hope

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. Romans 5:1-5

Prayers, Praise and Pink,

Carly

Lulah

My sweet girl. 

When we found out we were pregnant, I panicked. How in the world did God think we could handle this right now? People were going to think we were trying to replace Ellie. SG wasn't even a year old yet. How was I going to be off of work even more now? My brain was racing.of course a lot of it was worrying about things that were not necessary. 

Now that she's here, and I have to leave her to go back to work today, I'm so thankful for the little miracle she is.  When I look at her, I don't see Ellie (even though we are pretty sure there is a dimple or two) I see God. I see the miracle of life, I see joy after pain, I see love. I see peace. I see God's perfect plan in human form.  

The first day of my pregnancy was technically Ellie's birthday....which was always fun going to the Dr. and giving them that date, always brought a smile.  Lulah was born the same week we brought Ellie home from St Jude last year. God's perfect timing shines though again. A time of the year that is tough, filled with memories and sadness, and we get the gift of new life. A time that can be filled with heartache, is dulled some by baby smiles (and oh this beautiful girl has some good ones) tiny diapers and snuggles.

So today as I'm struggling a little bit, I will thank God for His plan, that once again is way better than anything I can ever come up with. Praise Him for all 4 of my beautiful children, who are all so special in their own ways. Smile that God seems to use babies in my life to help through difficult times. And be ever so grateful that God uses us to let His light shine...or sparkle!

Prayers, Praise and Pink 

Carly

Celebrate

Here it is. A day that many of anticipated.  The day that Ellie finally took her last breaths here on earth.  It has been a whole year since I held that sweet girl in my arms as her body finally stopped working.  That's how we explain death to children, and the beauty in that is its just "her body".  Her spirit doesn't have to stop working, her spirit is what lives on.  Yes, her body and her face are what we will picture when we think of her, but her spirit is the way we feel when we think of her, its the "sparkly" feeling we get in our hearts.  That never dies.

I just asked Noah if he knew what today was (we had talked about it a few days ago) he said "its the day we celebrate, right?" I have a smile on my face and monkey on my lap (SG had to put monkey down in order to shovel more food in her mouth!).  I think Noah is completely right. As I put my Princess Strong shirt on I feel her all around.

Someone asked me when the hardest part of this was.  Yesterday, since she died on a Sunday or today, the actual anniversary. The hardest part was last night, remembering all that we went through, all her body went through that night, remembering the tears and the prayers. But joy comes in the morning.

"For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning". Psalm 30:5

The morning Ellie died, I rejoiced. Cancer had taken her body, but God took away her pain.  No more hospitals or yucky medicine. No more needles. No more sitting on the couch all day while everyone else played. No more fighting over food, no more getting sick. I'm sure people could say, "well God didn't have to give her cancer in the first place."  You are right, but obviously there was a reason for it, there was a plan crafted before the beginning of the world. I can't change that. I can be grateful that He ended her suffering and through His son Jesus, he promised me that I can live with Ellie and Him forever.

So today we celebrate.  We celebrate Ellie, we celebrate Jesus, we celebrate this gift we've been given.  Cancer has made me a better person, it has made my family more compassionate. It has opened our eyes to a world we had know idea about. Cancer has made me better at my job. I listen better, I understand pain better, and I don't let little things bother me as much. Cancer has made me a better mom, I give more hugs and kisses, I take more pictures, I talk more. Cancer has made me a better wife. I try to share my feelings more, and not go to bed or say goodbye with anger in my heart.  (I'm by no means perfect, but I'm so much more aware of just how precious life is!)

When a guest preacher, preached an entire sermon on this one verse, i knew it had to be shared!

"Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!" 2 Cor 9:15

His gift to us was His son.  And a promise that even though we lose loved ones here on earth, if we just accept His gift, we can spend eternity with them.  We don't have to perform a million acts of service or sacrifice a cow. Its simple...

 "If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved." Romans 10:9-10

Today (at this moment) I feel joy, I am surrounded by my family, with a huge feeling of appreciation for all the gifts God has given me.  If you ever doubted God, I think today is the perfect testament to Him.  A day that could be extremely sad, is filled with joy.  We are not miserable, we are not angry, we miss her and I'm sure at some point there will be tears, but God gives us the strength to move through each day, through His grace we can look forward.

So today I invite you to celebrate Ellie with us! Wear some pink and thank the Lord for your gifts.  Spend time with the ones you love, doing something you love!  And Ellie's challenge to you all....

And if for some reason you can't see the video, the message is, put your phone down and dance! (I have personally turned mine off...and Richard's isn't working!)

We can thank you enough for lifting us up in prayer this week.  We have felt everyone of those prayers and are so grateful to have you all in our lives.  Thank you for following this journey with us and being a part of our family.  We love you!

Prayers, Praise and Pink
~Carly

Stop and smell the silly string

For a few weeks now I have been trying to find the right words for what I want to say...I know, I know, me at a loss for words!  So many thoughts have come flooding through my head this time of year, I keep putting notes in my phone, of what I want to write about, the thoughts that come into my head...then I try to connect them all, and I don't know how. 

Richard works retail, so from Thanksgiving until after Christmas is always hard in our house.  He works a million hours, and as much as I hate that, I'm very thankful for his job.  But with the emotions that are stirring around this house right now, plus the addition of Richard working a ton, and a new baby in the house...things have been, well a little touch and go.  

Thinking back to year ago, we knew our daughter wasn't going to live, and we choose to let nothing else matter except spending time together.  We didn't worry about jobs, or making other people happy.  We did what we wanted to, when we wanted to and even though our daughter was dying, we were living life the way it was meant to be, filled with love and dedication to our family.  We didn't fight over chores, we didn't stress bills, or who would babysit, we just lived in each moment, because we truly knew what it felt like to not have tomorrow promised.  We let ourselves STOP and live. Now a year later, we are back to the busy life. Back to jobs, bills, babysitters, school, disagreements, tempers....stress.  The other day, when the stress was maxed out...I thought to myself why is it that it takes someone telling you your daughter is about to die, to slow down and truly enjoy what life is.  How quickly we forget to appreciate our lives, our children...how quickly we fall back into the chaos of life, pushing the important things, like family time, aside for other things.  

I was digging through pictures the other day and I came across this picture.

Our family was over, we were celebrating a niece's birthday.  Silly string was involved.  Silly string is something I have never played with, its something I have never even thought to play with.  My brother and sister in law brought it with them and we had a huge silly string fight in my front yard, we have it on video, it was so much fun.  Ellie wasn't too sure about it, but as long as I carried her around, she had fun.  This is the kind of silly and meaningful fun we had last year.  Yes, there was a large "stress" hanging over our heads, but we weren't "stressing" anything.  No worries about the mess, or who got who, or how loud we were or if we looked silly, we just played.  It's a shame we don't do this more. Its sad that we just don't STOP.  This pictures stayed in my head for days.  Why can't life be like this all the time?  Of course I'd love to go back to this time because Ellie was still here, but I loved the way we lived.  I loved what was most important in that moment - just that moment.  We truly lived in today.

We (I) spend so much time trying to rush through life, or we are too busy to enjoy what is going on in our lives. We don't stop, we don't slow down, and before we know it, that time is gone. We can't get it back, those people are gone that we wish we had been nicer to or spent more time with.  Our child is gone that we should have played with instead of saying "hold on".  Our parent is gone that we should have called and listened to even though we didn't want to.  Our old friend is gone that we never forgave or never told them we were sorry.  

This time leading up to Christmas has caused me so much reflection.  I have spent weeks watching others get ready for Christmas, I rarely see Richard because he works so much, I have tried hard to give people ideas for my kids for Christmas, and tried really hard to be excited for this holiday.  I won't lie, I'm not that excited.  I have loved Christmas my whole life.  I was the teenager still up at 6 am on Christmas because I couldn't wait to open presents.  I am the parent who lays in bed, just waiting for a child to wake up so I can see the joy of their faces....this year, I don't have that same excitement, and that makes me sad.  I am digging deep for that Christmas joy, its not easy.  Last year our lights were up in October, this year, there isn't a light to be seen. Its not because we are choosing not to, its just life is "too busy" I guess, and no one is really in the mood.  We just put up the Christmas tree, and that took Noah's persistence - thank goodness, it finally started to feel like Christmas.  To me this is technically our first Christmas without her.  Last year, she was here for the preparation of Christmas, for all the excitement, the beautiful lights...the only part she missed was the opening of the gifts.  Which I got really upset about...and angry for a minute.  But really...is that what Christmas is all about, opening gifts?  It shouldn't be.  She got to enjoy the joy of Christmas time, and then celebrate Christmas with the birthday boy himself.  Last year, I desperately wanted time to stop.  Our world stopped and we breathed in every word, step, giggle, kiss and breath.   

Over the past year I have struggled time and time again with a life that doesn't stop.  Life that continues to move on when one of my children is not physically here with us.  Life that continues to be chaotic and exciting but so lonely at times.  And I know life cannot stop.  My life was not meant to stop when Ellie died.  I am still here because the Lord has more to do with me.  He is not finished using me to spread His word and His love.  I am still here to love my amazing children who are a blessing, each in their own way.  My life is going to continue to be used in whatever way He sees fit.  

"For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him."
 Philippians 2:13

But I have learned that there are some things I need to stop doing and moments that I need to slow down and enjoy.

Stop worrying - about what others are thinking, about what others may say, about messing up, about making the wrong choice.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34

Stop and take a selfie - These are my favorite pictures I have of Ellie and I.  It's not vain, it's capturing a moment in time, for all you know a moment you will never get back. It's being silly

Stop judging others or making assumptions about them, you never know what they have just experienced or what their day holds

Stop stressing dinner, PB&J is a fine meal and the kids love it!

Stop complaining...when you start, find something to be grateful for

Stop being quiet in the car (the thoughts I'm thinking are usually stressful anyway) - use it as an opportunity to learn all about Noah's day

Stop telling your kids "in a minute" especially if you've said it 10 times already

Stop crocheting and hold the baby (that one's totally for me!)

Stop holding in emotions, people need to understand I feel sad too.

Stop doing it all yourself and take time to shop with your hubby...or do something together.   

Stop looking at the computer, iPad, and phone so much - play with the kids

Stop holding a grudge - we all mess up, we all make mistakes, God forgives us all.  

I ask for prayers, not just for my family, but for the many families who are struggling this Christmas.  Many of Ellie's fellow fighters went home to Jesus this time last year.  And while we all deal differently, I can only imagine their pain is intense.  Thanks for the continued love you surround us with!

Prayers, Praise and Pink

~Carly