Decisions

Flights weren't so bad....MRI day was a breeze, besides the trouble getting Ellie's port to draw blood. In fact I felt so good...I had just posted to Facebook about how great our day had been, especially when you give all your cares to God.  Within the hour, I started to realize my phone wasn't ringing...her clinic wasn't calling me....they have always called after her MRI's.  We headed out to dinner...right behind the same people in the "God's Got This" shirts that we had followed around all day.  It made me giggle once I realized that they were perfectly placed in front of me all day.  We sat at dinner, with my phone right beside me...thinking maybe they were just working late, and the Dr. was going to call me any moment....she didn't.  Every time my mind started to run away with thoughts, I was able to silence it....but it took a lot of effort. After we got back to the Grizzly House, I checked Ellie schedule again, and there, added on to the end was a consultation with radiation. My heart sank. While I didn't know the reason for the added appointment, I had a pretty good idea of why we were going there again.  I called Richard, attempting not to panic. He said all the amazing things he always says, and we headed to bed. Around midnight mom's phone rang...it was Richard. He was flying down in the morning. I tried not to ask the million questions racing through my head, but ended up calling him back anyway.  Thank The Lord we have the friends and family we do that Richard can hop on a plane and not have to worry about our other children being taken care of. I attempted to sleep the rest of the night.

Thursday started with Richard's flight delayed, and a two hour long psych evaluation...ever seen a two year old get a psych eval...not sure I would recommend it for fun, but it is pretty entertaining...especially once she figured out going to the bathroom got you out of doing his stuff.  P.S.  if your two year old knows what edible means...props to you!

We made it through all her other appointments, Richard finally made it to us and we headed to E Clinic. She was so tired, but loved snuggling with Daddy. Once we were called back, we didn't even make it to an exam room....we were escorted to the "viewing room" and there sat Dr. Wright with Ellie's MRI pictures. Funny part is, the thing I've always worried about, her spine and spinal fluid are still clear.  They found some new lesions in her brain. They are tiny, and the blessing is they could have been easily missed...there was only one shot that really made them take a closer look. So now we are left with choices.  Ellie was supposed to start on oral chemo, but we know doing that will not control or get rid of these new spots. We can try a different type of chemo, that would be another inpatient chemo. We can do it here, or possibly at home. This may or may not work. If she were a few months older the protocol would be radiation. We are still going to be given the option of radiation...but with serious side effects.

I tried to google the new chemos yesterday, and it was doing me no good, so I started reading the bible, where I had left off yesterday (when I was still on cloud 9)... Here's what I found...

Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, “So shall your offspring be.” Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead—since he was about a hundred years old—and that Sarah’s womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised. (Romans 4:17-21 NIV)

I kinda felt lost for a moment yesterday. Did I not hear Him right? Was it really God speaking to me, or did I make it up? I was so afraid to share what I heard, and I did and now I'm wrong! Stop there Carly...this isn't over, God didn't say I will heal her during the month of September, or your miracle will come this year. He didn't really give me specifics, just words.  And now I cannot let my belief waiver, and fully believe He has the power to do what he had promised.  I'm still scared and we have no idea how to make this decision, because there is no guarantee anything will work better than the other. Now we have to pray for God's guidance, to stay within His will and make the best choice for us all. 

Cut to radiation waiting room....by far the best toy room around....at least for Ellie, baby dolls, shopping carts, strollers and a toy kitchen, nothing is locked up. She looks so little in here, yet the toys are completely appropriate for her....cut to exam room, super nice people...all commenting on how well she looks, moves and talks. She happily sits on the floor playing with a million toys, without a clue as to what is going on. 3 doctors and 1 nurse all in there to talk about her. To reassure us that this isn't something else on the scan, there are in fact new growths.  To explain options...none guaranteed, none better than the other, none that a doctor will tell us is our best option. And she sits and plays. Part of me for a second was mad...felt this was so unfair.  Here is this happy kid, full of life, who will now be fighting for hers.  I stopped myself...I couldn't be mad...and really who would it be fair for cancer to attack. I can't be mad because God has held our hands the entire time, he has opened every door, surrounded us by amazing people.

So we don't know where we go from here.  We have lots of things to think about and options to weigh.  I have worried about this moment because of so many of you.  So many of you have emailed me or facebooked me to say how our story has renewed your faith or made it stronger.  I don't want anyone to waiver or be shaken or doubt God because of this.  No, it's not the plan I thought would happen, but I will not question what He said to me. One way or another He will heal her.  

I firmly believe God put you all in our lives for a reason.  In this moment it would be really easy to lose hope, get angry, and question it all....but I have you all.  In my head, I think of you all, I think it's my responsibility as a believer, to live that life all the time. For you all to see...that we are not shaken, we still trust God to carry us though this.  That duty to you all, keeps me in the right frame of mind...keeps my mind on the Lord's track and not my own.  On the flight home, I was reading about how important it is for others to see you worship...and really worship.  People are watching, and the more they see you enjoying something, the more curious they will be.  Kind of the same way I feel about our situation, the more people who see us still worshiping, still thanking Him, the more curious they may be. "He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many people will see this and worship him. Then they will trust the Lord." Ps. 40:3.

And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Romans 5:3-4

So we again ask for prayer.  That we will have the wisdom to know the best path for us.  That we will continue to focus on today, and enjoy today. God already has this all planned out, its our job to worship Him in this moment and trust that he will carry us through.

 

Lots of Prayers, Praise and Pink

~Carly