Learning and Healing

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Probably a month ago Noah and I were talking. If you've ever had an in depth conversation with Noah, you know how his little brain works. How he processes information and you can almost watch the wheels turning in his head. This particular night, I don't remember how we got to this conversation or all that was said, but one particular thing stood out. I was talking about bringing Ellie home from St. Jude because the doctors knew the medicines weren't working and there was nothing else they could do to fix her. Noah looked at me with tears and said "They gave up mommy! You aren't supposed to give up, you are supposed to keep trying!" He was so genuine and so hurt. I, of course fell apart. Being a parent in my shoes, it's easy to let your mind go back there and think "well what if we had tried something else..." But there's no answer to that, we did what we knew God lead us to do, but it still hurt to hear Noah say that. As much as I tried to explain why we didn't do anymore medicines or try other things, his little 5 year old brain didn't understand all that, as much as I wanted him to...probably so I wouldn't feel so guilty! Within minutes he had moved on to something else, but that conversation felt burned into my heart.

This week we have had Jubliee at church. We've been up way past out bed times, but my heart has been touched greatly. Many nights on our 5 minute drive home (church is the only thing we live close too!) Noah is weepy from being tired or going on about the movie they watched. Tonight he told me about the balloons they let go at church, which led him to remember letting balloons go after Race For Hope, DC last year, which then led him to ask me what that walk was for, which led to a conversation about brain tumors and Ellie. And in the midst of it he says "Mommy if Ellie hadn't have taken all that medicine she would have died sooner, right?"

"Probably," I answered. "And we would never have had all those great experiences we did, like going to TN, making new friends, going to Disney World"

"Well then I'm glad she took all that medicine, so that we could keep her as long as we did!" He replied.

My heart soared, somehow that little statement relieved me. He's not thinking we gave up, he's not angry at the doctors, he's happy they gave her the medicine that they did, and he really wants to help raise money so "the doctors can find the right medicine that will make those bumps in her head go away and never come back!"

It was a small moment, but for me, it just felt like we were heading in the right direction. He was feeling good about something, and not holding that anger...a little relief filled my heart.

Just so grateful tonight for the little things that encourage me to just keep going!