Tomorrow we walk again....well don't think I will be, this 34 week prego lady is trying to keep this baby in! But this walk is different, and honestly I'm struggling. September is hard. If you weren't already aware, it's Childhood Cancer Awareness month, and I'm surrounded by things gold and yellow, the color of childhood cancer. And while it's nice to see so many people tuning in and supporting, it's heart breaking all the same. Heartbreaking because in a few weeks the gold will be gone, but there still won't be a cure, my child will still be gone, the month will change and so will everyone's focus and the reality of childhood cancer for many people will turn off until next September. But not for my family.
The reality is that 46 children everyday will be diagnosed with some form of cancer and 7 children will die from cancer. The reality is that these walks we do just aren't for fun. They mean something to me, and to all those whose lives have been forever altered due to this disease. When all these people join my team, people I don't even personally know, my heart is encouraged that we are brining awareness to others lives, we are supporting those still battling, and we are honoring those whose lives we're taken.
Tomorrow's walk means so much to me for so many different reasons, and is probably also the main reason for my emotions being all over the place tonight. This race is being organized by someone who fell into my life when her own cancer journey started. After making her a hat to cover her beautiful bald head, who knew what was to come of our relationship...God sure did. As she says, little drops of honey along the way. Tomorrow, there will be pink fire trucks with pink firemen. The same pink trucks that pulled into my driveway a year ago, and made Ellie's feet dance. Tomorrow people will wear her name across their shirts, and read a beautiful bible verse about letting God's light shine through you. Tomorrow we will wear tiaras in her honor and get really messy. Tomorrow lots of money (I'm hoping) will be raised for two charities that support pediatric cancer. One of those charities is starting a fund, in honor of her. Tomorrow Ellie's Elves will make a big impact on the community around it. Tomorrow toys will be donated to create toy closets in her name, but tomorrow, she won't be there. Tomorrow my heart will swell with pride, but the hole will be big.
Richard often makes these pictures. I saw where someone shared it on Facebook, and someone else commented, "if he can heal cancer, why doesn't he?" When I read this I can easily see why someone would ask that. I've asked it myself, multiple times. But He does heal cancer, a lot, just not always the ones we want Him to. I don't know how He picks and chooses, but that's not really for me to know at the moment. I do know that because I am saved, I can one day be Christ like and I can know the answers to all my "whys", not that I'm sure that I will even care anymore once I get to heaven. I truly feel that because Jesus lives in my heart, he gives me His eyes at times to see what he's doing. He let me see the lives we have touched. He encourages me with the words of others. He didn't heal here on this earth, but he gave her the gift of everlasting life, which is way better than any other gift, and as her mother you can be sure that I will be there with her, that's my reality.
God used my family to be a reality to others, he made people pay attention to cancer, through her. He knew that once this touched my life, I would forever be changed. I will always talk about my daughter, the struggles that she and so many other children face dealing with an incurable disease. The choices we had to make, and the beautiful things that happened. He choose us because we would make this reality known to many, we would share the amazing things God can do and will do, once you make the choice to let him in your life. No, he didn't heal my daughter and the pain is still raw, but he made sure that I would get to spend eternity with her. When you really, really think about it, He gave us something better than a cure on earth, he gave us forever. And yes I have to suffer now, and yes I have to cry and long to squeeze her, but I have faith that it is all going to be worth it.
I remember when we first started going to church again, I heard my preacher say he would rather God take his new baby granddaughter now, then to let her live her life not accepting The Lord in her heart and going to hell. I was shocked....why would any one want God to take their baby or grandbaby. I can't say I understood what he was saying until my own daughter was taken from this earth. My daughter was given a place in heaven because of her age, I don't have to wonder if she will be there or hope that she made that choice, or worry about it. I get it now.
I can't give the perfect answer as to why he doesn't heal cancer the way we think he should. All I can say is he heals it according to his will.
Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this [thorn], that it should leave me. But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’” 2 Corinthians 12:8–9
He can heal cancer.
I warned you my emotions were all over tonight. I feel pride and nerves (which is nothing new to me), excitement and a heavy burden. Pride for my family and all we have done. Nerves because my name is Carly and I always get nervous. Excitement to do something fun with a lot of wonderful people tomorrow. And a heavy burden to remind you that life isn't always going to be what you want it to be. Things aren't always going to go your ways even close to it, but God has an amazing gift to give you that guarantees you will not suffer or feel pain any longer. God has the gift of eternal life, but you have to accept the gift. Will you?
Prayers, Praise and Pink