It's been a while

wow....It's been since May....November is almost over....it's March now...isn't that just life!

Here's the quick recap! (ok, not so quick now that I reread....and with a ton of pics)

June - We went on a great vacation with my family and made a special announcement to the kids and then the "world"

That's right! Baby number 5! Noah gave the baby the nickname "Cinco" and its stuck! I promise this baby will not be named Cinco, but we are struggling to find the right name! (She's here now and two months old already, and she has the perfect name!)

The rest of June was filled with fundraising for Noah and Lisa's goal of $25,791 for St. Jude!

We are always so incredibly lucky to have awesome people who help us raise money over the course of the year!

July - included a new kitchen floor, celebrating the fourth of July, more fundraising and soaking up every last ounce of summer we could, visiting family, hiding rocks, shopping and even taking a little trip to the Animal Safari Park!

 

 

My favorite fundraising event we did this summer was all done by kids (with a little grown up help!)  We held an all kids craft show, where all the vendors were kids and all the money raised went to help the kids of St. Jude! Kids from all over the area made some awesome goodies like the ever popular slime, dog toys, painted rocks, book marks, stationary, tutu's, artwork, jewelry and even print photography! It was an amazing day to watch these young people at work, and the loving community that showed up to shop this event!  My favorite part of the day was hearing one little boy who came to shop ask his grandma if he could come sell stuff next year!  Those amazing children raised $2,003!!! I couldn't have been more proud and can't wait to try it again next year! Huge thanks to my mom and Fredericksburg United Methodist Church for hosting us!

 
 

Somewhere along the way over the summer, we decided to step up our Hope for Appalachia game (I realize I never posted day 4 of our mission trip, which was by far the best day!) and some crazy friends convinced me nothing is too big for our God and we decided to to take on an entire elementary school this upcoming year for Ellie's Big Give. A friend purchased 400 plastic boxes for us, which is the perfect amount to cover the school that our boxes went to last year! (All 400 boxes are now packed!!)

 August....we started back to school...summer always goes to fast!  This year we have a 4th grader and a preschooler! That's right, SG has started preschool and is doing fantastic, gotta admit I was a little scared, knowing her...how do you say...strong personality and passionate emotional outbursts (she's stubborn and flips out on occasion)!

August was also the big culmination of Noah and Lisa's St. Jude fundraising effort for 2017.  They blew their original goal of $23,791 out of the water, and agreed to eat bugs, if they hit $30,00 they were adding to their plates - a tomato for Noah and liver for Lisa.  They topped out over $40,000, so their plates were prepared! Again, we couldn't be more grateful to everyone who helped make this possible, we couldn't do it with out all of you!

September was Color Rush, which is always a blast and we found out Baby Cinco is a girl (Noah handled this well)!

 

And we very unexpectedly said goodbye to our dog of 10 years, Kapone.  If you've every heard us talk about our dog before, you know he is just the most wonderful dog besides his constant shedding! He has tolerated all of our children and many others with nothing more than a lick and a smile! Losing him was incredibly hard and brought back a whole lot of tough memories of Ellie....that may sound odd, believe me, I wasn't prepared for all the tears this one created!

October brought Lulah's third birthday and lots of collecting for Hope for Appalachia and Ellie's Big Give!

And now it's November....well its almost over. We've collected more supplies for Hope Boxes, had a baby shower, still no baby name, and we are preparing to relocate Noah's room so baby Cinco will have a room of her own. Thanksgiving came and I happily got to host family for the first time, made my own big girl turkey, with minimal drama (who knew there was so much juice inside that bird when you open the bag...needless to say I was cleaning the floor before 7am!)

Thanksgiving is like the gateway into the holiday season, and this year I'm bringing along a ton of hormones, which so far have been in check considering what they could be this time of year.  But I'm starting to notice the little things that are taking me back to 4 years ago, or the random tears that come from nowhere. I've been reading some of the blog postings that are titled "what a grieving person wishes you knew at Christmas" or something like that. I think I read them, looking for confirmation of how I feel or just curious as to what other people think or feel. While I read, I can nod my head in agreement, but there's always just something missing from those articles for me. Most of them talk about how there will always be a missing piece of themselves, they will always miss their children, how they don't always want to do holiday events and they aren't as exciting anymore as they used to be. They talk about moving on with life, but also still living in the past when their loved ones were still alive.  They talk about hating silence and when people say unintentional hurtful things, and what are the right things to say. But rarely does anyone talk about Jesus.

There are empty spaces in my heart and yes there are days that I ditch activities because I just don't feel like it. I'm numb to many things and I stink at committing to things and making plans.  I cry because I miss her but feel like I don't remember her all at the same time. I have pain that I don't expect for others to understand, but I also have a hope. There is a reason I can have a hole in my heart, but it can still go on beating, I can still breath, and I can still do more that just exist, I still experience so much of what those articles talk about, but I add on "but Jesus".

Days like Thanksgiving, hold tough memories of Ellie getting upset because her head felt spinny and she was scared.  The weeks that follow Thanksgiving are filled with memories of Ellie living on the couch, not wanting to do anything, occasionally convincing her to get down and play, only to have her crawl back up on the couch. Memories of gifts pouring in, more gifts then they ever opened, and none of those gifts could make cancer go away, they were just a constant reminder that nothing of this world is of great value, and probably why to this day I struggle with gift giving.  As Christmas gets closer the memories of begging God for just one more day, just make it till Christmas, then till Christmas eve...these weeks are just laced with raw emotion that I can never be sure of how it will come out...but I have Jesus. I have peace that may not make sense to someone who has never experienced it.

Isaiah 41:10 also tells me "do not fear for I am with you". It's not like I notice Him right there, its just a feeling, when my world feels like it could come crumbling down, or when I turn on Christmas music and start crying, God says, "its okay Carly to not be ready for that yet".  It's God who has put the desire into our hearts to do more with Ellie's Big Give, to fill this month of potential pain with a focus on filling 400 boxes and giving them to kids in His name. It's the promise of heaven that has allowed my children to understand that death is sad because we miss the person who is gone, but Jesus has promised us an eternity in heaven for those who love Him and proclaim Him as Lord of their lives. Simply put, grief is hard, confusing, and makes you feel pretty awkward sometimes...but Jesus holds my hand the whole way and says "fear not, I'm right here, I love you and you will get through this, with my help" (that verse isn't in the bible...that's just me).

****3/10/18***I often think I don't have much to say anymore since Ellie's gone, nobody probably reads this anymore, I'm not sure I have anything profound to say....I'm just a mom of 5 trying to keep afloat each day.  But God has really laid it on my heart this past week that I need to get back at it, this is like my mini-ministry and I have so much to be thankful for that I owe it to him to continue to share feelings, blessings, heartaches and most of all the promises he has available to us all. So I will catch up on our life, I will "introduce you to Baby Cinco"and yes, I will still talk about my girl!***

Prayers, Praise and Pink

~Carly