Is this what happens now? Every time something happens in our family, I go back to Ellie. When a kid gets sick, will I always cry thinking back to my sweet girl? Not a clue, I've never done this before! As I go for more days inbetween meltdowns, I find it so easy to be pulled right back into that moment. Last night, SG let out a blood curdling scream in the middle of the night, I think I stopped breathing as I went running to her room. As I picked her up, I couldn't help but fall apart. Memories and emotions are so raw in our house. And the roller coaster still goes up and down, Richard and I seem to take turns with bad and good days. And as the days go by and I count down to my return to work, it can't help but worry about these moments occurring while I'm there.
Peace just isn't found as often as it used to be. I don't think I realized it was missing until I finally opened my devotional again and read...
"Breathe in the peace of my presence: peace that transcends all understanding. Take time, take time with me...you need to sit quietly, focusing your thoughts on me...the world is full of trouble, but I have overcome the world...assert your confidence in me, saying "I trust you Jesus, you are my hope...I am training you to be an overcomes."
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7
I remember that feeling of peace in my heart, I miss it. Lately it's just a feeling of existence, not a horrible feeling, but definitely not as great as peace. When you have a sick child, that's your life, in fact your life just kind of stops...other things go on but almost all your focus is on illness and getting better. You become known as "so and so's parent", that is your identity. Ellie's illness gave me a whole new focus in life, it gave me a new identity. It taught me lots of things and brought me so close to The Lord, and now her illness is over. My focus isn't on hospitals and meds and living in another state. I'm still Ellie's mom, but that role carries a whole new identity now. Kinda feel like I'm back in high school trying to figure out where I fit in. I have two beautiful children and an amazing husband to care for, but I miss having the "purpose" of Ellie's illness in my life...does that make sense? It was such an important purpose, that made you forget about all the petty things in life, the silly agruements and drama and just focus on your child. I hated her having cancer, I hated seeing her not enjoying life like a two year old should, but I had a purpose and a focus, get Ellie better, help her feel better, make sure she took the right meds, make sure her counts are okay, make sure monkey is clean, make sure her headband isn't lost (oh how many times we misplaced her princess headband!). Once I got into the groove of my new role in life, I got very used to it...and now that role has switched again. I know, with time, my new role will become aparent to me, and I will once again find where I belong (isn't that a Disney song?) It's just a weird place to be in right now, and I know I can't always explain it to those who are around me in the right way.
I have focused on crocheting, a lot...not as important as taking care of a child with cancer, but it keeps my mind busy and it's all in honor of my girl. She is the whole reason I began crocheting 3 years ago. I have two craft shows coming up, first ones in a while, I'm excited to do them, excited to do something I used to do on a regular basis. I am also excited because it allows me to share Ellie more! She was always my model, so I have lots of pictures of her to display. I also use my craft shows to help raise money for our upcoming walks, we have two so far we are signed up for. If you'd like to know more about our walks you can visit team Princess Strong on facebook....https://www.facebook.com/groups/610377122370167/
All the walk links are there, as well as any upcoming fundraisers we may have going on. I believe raising money for cancer research, is part of my new role as Ellie's mommy! A role I'm getting used to, but will be tough without my girl there!
I ask for prayers of peace for us, that we will remember to seek Him, breathe in His peace. And I praise Him for the crazy distraction this little girl has been!
Little Miss SG has become quite the character!
Prayers, Praise and Peace
Carly...aka Ellie's Mommy