Fitting in

A few weeks ago our furriest child (the dog) took off when I let him out to go to the bathroom. This isn't the first time he has disappeared, despite our best efforts. But this time it was snowing and it was so cold. I waited, surely he'd get cold and come home...I waited some more, still no dog. I finally headed to bed, worried, but not much else I could do. When the phone rang at 5am to say school was cancelled, I went to check to see if he was home. I opened the door and there he was. However unlike other late night outings he's had, this time he was hurt...and probably half frozen. As I brought him in...tears started to flow...I got Richard up and we just stared at him.  We had no idea what was broken or hurt, but all I could say was "I can't do this again"... I know he's a dog and Ellie was a human, but that's right where my brain went. His breathing reminded me of hers, his pain....it was all too much. As Richard preparred to head out in the snow to the ER vet, I couldn't stop crying. He's technically our oldest child, and I started thinking of all those times I've fussed at him, what if he doesn't make it? After a long day of waiting all he had was a broken jaw and a cut on his head that needed to be stiched up...how that was all that was wrong I had no idea, but I thanked God for it, this family couldn't handle that loss right now. Over the next few days we had to fight him to take meds and eat....sound familiar? Again it toke me right back to Ellie, to the point I had to leave the room when Richard was trying to get him to take his meds.  When I finally got him to eat, I felt like singing and dancing..."go Kapone, go Kapone"...that's what we used to do for Ellie when she'd eat.  

Is this what happens now? Every time something happens in our family, I go back to Ellie. When a kid gets sick, will I always cry thinking back to my sweet girl? Not a clue, I've never done this before!  As I go for more days inbetween meltdowns, I find it so easy to be pulled right back into that moment. Last night, SG let out a blood curdling scream in the middle of the night, I think I stopped breathing as I went running to her room. As I picked her up, I couldn't help but fall apart. Memories and emotions are so raw in our house. And the roller coaster still goes up and down, Richard and I seem to take turns with bad and good days. And as the days go by and I count down to my return to work, it can't help but worry about these moments occurring while I'm there. 

Peace just isn't found as often as it used to be. I don't think I realized it was missing until I finally opened my devotional again and read...

"Breathe in the peace of my presence: peace that transcends all understanding. Take time, take time with me...you need to sit quietly, focusing your thoughts on me...the world is full of trouble, but I have overcome the world...assert your confidence in me, saying "I trust you Jesus, you are my hope...I am training you to be an overcomes."

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

I remember that feeling of peace in my heart, I miss it. Lately it's just a feeling of existence, not a horrible feeling, but definitely not as great as peace. When you have a sick child, that's your life, in fact your life just kind of stops...other things go on but almost all your focus is on illness and getting better. You become known as "so and so's parent", that is your identity. Ellie's illness gave me a whole new focus in life, it gave me a new identity. It taught me lots of things and brought me so close to The Lord, and now her illness is over. My focus isn't on hospitals and meds and living in another state. I'm still Ellie's mom, but that role carries a whole new identity now. Kinda feel like I'm back in high school trying to figure out where I fit in. I have two beautiful children and an amazing husband to care for, but I miss having the "purpose" of Ellie's illness in my life...does that make sense? It was such an important purpose, that made you forget about all the petty things in life, the silly agruements and drama and just focus on your child.  I hated her having cancer, I hated seeing her not enjoying life like a two year old should, but I had a purpose and a focus, get Ellie better, help her feel better, make sure she took the right meds, make sure her counts are okay, make sure monkey is clean, make sure her headband isn't lost (oh how many times we misplaced her princess headband!). Once I got into the groove of my new role in life, I got very used to it...and now that role has switched again. I know, with time, my new role will become aparent to me, and I will once again find where I belong (isn't that a Disney song?) It's just a weird place to be in right now, and I know I can't always explain it to those who are around me in the right way.  

I have focused on crocheting, a lot...not as important as taking care of a child with cancer, but it keeps my mind busy and it's all in honor of my girl. She is the whole reason I began crocheting 3 years ago. I have two craft shows coming up, first ones in a while, I'm excited to do them, excited to do something I used to do on a regular basis. I am also excited because it allows me to share Ellie more! She was always my model, so I have lots of pictures of her to display. I also use my craft shows to help raise money for our upcoming walks, we have two so far we are signed up for. If you'd like to know more about our walks you can visit team Princess Strong on facebook....https://www.facebook.com/groups/610377122370167/

All the walk links are there, as well as any upcoming fundraisers we may have going on.  I believe raising money for cancer research, is part of my new role as Ellie's mommy! A role I'm getting used to, but will be tough without my girl there! 

I ask for prayers of peace for us, that we will remember to seek Him, breathe in His peace. And I praise Him for the crazy distraction this little girl has been!

Little Miss SG has become quite the character!

Prayers, Praise and Peace

Carly...aka Ellie's Mommy