I really thought we made it through this season of memories pretty easily. I had a few tough days, and even though I had to work on December 22nd, I made it through full of peace. We enjoyed Christmas and we are about to celebrate New Year’s!

I’ve seen a few tears from Noah, but I kinda contribute it to hormones...12 is rough (I’m gonna go ahead and start praying now for when the girls hit this age!)  As he experienced another round of emotions last night, I see that it’s not just hormones, that boy has real memories and pain that he keeps on shoving down because they hurt too much.  Of course counselor mommy can’t handle the stuffing of emotions, so we’ve been digging.  Besides the hurt, he still questions God.  Why mom, why Ellie, why couldn’t He just heal her?  

This morning as I tried to find scripture for him (which Noah now says he always knows that’s what I’m going to do, because he’s lived with me for 12 years and he knows that’s what I do....know-it-all), I turned to the names of God. 

I’ve been working on a scripture writing challenge from Coffee With Starla all about the Names of God, so all these names for God are fresh in my mind. As I found what I wanted for him, I started to think of numerous other people I know who are struggling with one thing or another and thought, maybe this is something I could share with others. 

The God who sees. When things hurt like the death of your sister, or whatever you are experiencing, it’s easy to wonder “Does God even see me right now? Does He know how much this hurts?” Proverbs 15:3 tells us He sees everything, the good and the bad.  So as I went to write this out for Noah, I tried to think like Noah, “if God sees it all, why doesn’t He stop the bad stuff, why does He let me suffer?” 

It doesn’t do us much good to know that God sees everything, unless we have some kind of encouragement for the future.  So I went to my two favorites. Both of these verses talk about present sufferings and troubles...the ones we know God sees and allows to happen, the ones that hurt and cause chaos, death, frustration, pain, separation. As horrible as these sufferings seem, they can’t even be compared to the glory that is coming!  These troubles are the things we must go through to get where we are going, heaven!  

There’s this road on the way to Richard’s parents house that is horribly twisty and tiny.  My father in law always jokes that someone must have been drinking when they made that road.  It reminds me of these verses.  I’m sure because of property lines and right of way and whatever other rules there are about roads, someone had to design that road that way. I can’t possibly know all the reasons and definitely can’t see all the underground things that cause that road to be crazy, but it gets me where I’m going. I have to take that road if I want to visit my in laws. 

After the feelings all spill out, you’ve had your good cry, told God what hurts...I challenge you to sit with these two verses.  Do you believe them? Do you think that all that happens is for nothing, we just live in a world that eventually ends and that’s it?  Or do you believe that one day we will live in eternity with the God who loves us. Who sees all that we go through and gives us peace to just trust Him. That one day, it won’t hurt anymore and all those temporary troubles won’t even exist in our minds anymore.  We will live in eternity with the one who created it all.  <—— those thoughts right there, are what see me through. 

It’s the end of 2020.   As we head into 2021, choose to see, that He sees, He knows, and what you are going through matters, it will get you where you are headed...eternal Glory!

If there is a struggle I could pray for for you, please don’t hesitate to reach out!

Prayer, Praise and Pink

~ Carly

HOPE

I'm not sure what's in the air this week, but man are my emotions on overdrive! I shouldn't say I don't know what's in the air. I know we are heading into the season of lots of tough but super sweet memories. 7 years later and it still catches me off guard. Maybe because in a weird way, I don't feel like I remember her all the way, so why do you fall apart when you can't remember someone. I'm not sure that's the best explanation, but this momma of 5, and two puppies (yes...we now have puppies...yes...we are crazy) and full time school counselor, is tired! Yesterday I fell apart like I haven't in quite some time, and I know it was a good thing, my heart and body just needed to cry and it had to be a good cry. It started with this picture.

This sign was hanging in my bedroom in the townhouse we stayed in with Habitat for Hope in Memphis. This was the picture I stared at when I had to call Richard and tell him that Ellie's cancer was all over her brain and they said she had four weeks to live. I stared at that picture and cried on the side of my bed, confused and at peace all at the same time. That I can remember, hearing Richard's voice break, knowing he was driving, afraid he was gonna have an accident, feeling like I just wanted to run away. That pain is real when I see that picture. 

 It was like this amazing bright lightbulb that flickered amongst all the tears yesterday, HOPE.

We stayed with Habitat for Hope, we became friends, we fundraised for them. They were special to us. 

Seven years later, we are about to create 1061 HOPE Boxes for HOPE for Appalachia.  

He knew then. He had a plan. He knew what we were destined for. He knew I'd try to fill the Ellie hole with something, and I'd eventually learn that I can't fill it with anything else except HOPE. 

 He also knew I would hurt. He knew I'd fall apart. He knew who to put around me to hug me and pray for me. 

 It hurts, but there is HOPE. It It hurts, but I am thankful for the hurt and HOPE. Hope and confidence that this world and the chaos within it will not last forever. 

 A license plate pulled in front of me yesterday, in the midst of my tears, that said SORROW. I had to stop in the middle of my tears and laugh out loud...really God, what does that mean? Believe it or not, I found that same license plate at the end of my day in a parking lot...I laughed again, ok God, I'm listening. 

This morning, mixed with my HOPE light bulb, I get it... Sorrow will always be here on Earth, we can't escape it. But with my HOPE in Jesus, I know that sorrow will soon be erased! I will be with the one who created me. Who planned out my life and who has walked beside me every step of the way!

Prayers, Praise and Pink

~ Carly

If you'd like to learn more about our 1061 Hope Boxes, come join our group on FaceBook, 

Ellie's Big Give

Dear School Employee...

I've finished one week of work in my new school.  I am still absolutely in awe of God.  Of the things He's lined up for me to see upon starting this new job. I've cried tears of joy and gratitude almost every day on my way in...on my whole 10 minute car ride!  I know God is good and capable of amazing things, I just don't every remember being this aware of the things He is doing!

As exciting as it is to be back at work, at the job I've wanted for quite some time, there is still a level of uncertainty.  I've watched and listened to teachers this week try to figure out just how this new way of school is going to exactly work.  I've seen administration do and redo schedules and class lists over and over trying to make it all work. I've seen smiles of excitement and looks of fear. And I'm exhausted! 

If you work in a school building and haven't gone back in yet, here's my advice...

No one knows all the right answers, because no one has taught like this before. Everyone is doing their best right now, and that is different for everyone. Kids are amazing, I truly believe they will roll right along with whatever we tell them is gonna happen. 

We have to take our grown up expectations of "this is never gonna work" and throw it out the window.  You are right, it's never gonna work if that's what we are bringing to the table. We have to put on our "Cool Blue Magic Sunglasses" (thanks Pete the Cat) and see things in a whole new way!  Our students are finally going to get to see the people they love again.  They are going to have routines and scheudles again!  Kids are going to get their favorite school meals again.  Teachers are going to get to create relationships with 10 kids at a time, instead of trying to get to know all 20 of them at once. Kids that never had an ipad before, will now have one for their school work...how cool will they feel?!?!  The quiet kid in class, may now have a chance to speak up because they aren't intimated by the large room.

Is there going to be hard things...of course! Hard things can ruin us or make us grow.  I pray that everyone headed back into a school building can remember that things will not be the same this year.  We cannot change that and the longer we grieve over that the harder its going to be to get started on this upcoming year. I pray they will help each other come up with solutions and strategies. I pray they will listen to each other and maybe even feel safe enough to shed a tear of frustration and then move on.  

You work in a school because you love kids and you love helping them.  Let's show them that even a pandemic can't affect our love for them!

Prayers, Praise and Pink

~Carly

Time for a Village!

A friend and I were talking this morning about going back to work, school start times, etc...and she said "it's truly going to take a village"

That simple little phrase stuck with me all afternoon.  I kept thinking...what if this had happened 8 or so years ago.  I didn't know the meaning of village at all...at least not how my friend intended it.  I was not one to ask for help, at all.  I'd try to fix it all myself.  There were plenty of kind people around me that would offer help, but I wouldn't take it, or dare reach out and ask for it!

Thankfully with time, I've learned to let people in.  I mean, God kinda forced me into it when Ellie got sick and we had to move 700 miles away, but I did learn the lesson!  And for the next however long I've got my village helping out with my girls!

I'm sure so many people are faced with decisions they never thought they'd be making!  Choices to stay home, to go to work, to keep their kids home, send them to school, figure out whose going to watch them when they aren't at school...and I'm sure there are so many more. Choices that probably involve spending more money or not having as much income.  Choices that carry a burden.  

May I suggest a village?

If you don't need a village, maybe you could be a village for someone else.  I'm sure there are many more like the me from years ago, who are so scared to ask for help, or just don't know how.  

Life just feels crazy, a tad out of control, but this weakness and loss of control is when we can shine brightest, when we can let Jesus shine through us!

As many teachers start heading back to work and soon kids start entering school buildings, pray for them.  No one truly knows how this will play out, so give grace to those who have a different opinion than you.  Listen to the overwhelmed momma who can't figure out where her kids are going two days a week.  Reach out to your people, your village, see if they need help, need prayers, just need a break.  Let someone help you.  Be patient with changes as everyone is figuring out how to do life.  Smile, even if you have your mask on! And above all else, trust Him!

P.S.Tomorrow is my first day of work at my new school...I'm like a kid of Christmas Eve!  

Prayers, Praise and Pink

~Carly

New Bible Study

Since March 13th...the last day we were at school, I've had the privileged of spending a whole lot of time with God almost every morning! Circumstances give me that quiet time that I know a lot of mommas don't get, especially with their kids home, so I am so grateful for that time!

The Earth's current circumstances, also have given me a lot to think about. I hear a lot of people saying "oh this must be the end, Jesus is coming soon, I see the signs, prophecy is being fulfilled".  Which got me thinking...I don't know these signs or prophecies they are speaking of...how do I learn.  Well just about the same time I was having these thoughts, Proverbs 31 Ministries Firs 5 App announced their new Bible Study, Revelation: All Things New! Perfect!

So yesterday I started out of this new study!  Thankfully, the author of Revelation, John, starts this book, slowly!  I've read Revelation before, and I know it gets pretty deep and heavy, so I've been thankful these past two days to ease in slowly!

If you'd like to follow along with me, I encourage you to download the First 5 app. The app is free and the study is free, unless you choose to download the study guide. I'll be posting my notes each day on my Mommy Time With Jesus Instagram, we can compare notes, share ideas, or ask questions! I hope you will join me! Wisdom and knowledge are necessary to live this life!  Let's get some!

Prayers, Praise and Pink

~Carly

Grace

Have you lost your mind yet?

I have...multiple times...maybe multiple times in one day.

My kids, the hens that are actually roosters, my kids, going to the store, masks, no masks, going back to work, wanting to be in church, wanting to stay home, wanting my kids out of my house, the pool that hasn't shown up yet, a new job, my kids, braces, being lazy, Facebook, new chicks, a new office, a 2.5 year old, staying up to late...

Today I'm stuck in that spiral of negative thoughts, I'm stuck thinking about all the things I wish would change.  I'm hung up on my kids' lack of appreciation, their bad attitudes...while I sit here, stuck in mine...yeah I said it...I want my kids to be appreciative, but I can't say I'm doing a real good job at it lately either.

I imagine that's how God feels some days.  As I launch into my parental speech about how there are kids out there who don't have 100 Barbies, no siblings to play with and, no food...I want to roll my eyes at myself (although SG has a good enough eye roll for all of us!)  Imagine if God showed up when I'm whining about my kids and laid into me about the many people who have no children and want them desperately.  How He must feel when I'm complaining about all the things He's given me. Or when I'm not taking the time to find the blessing in my current situation. 

I'm missing grace. The same grace God hands me daily when I mess up, I'm not giving to the people in my house.  When my name gets said for the 100th time, I yell "What" instead of being thankful to be called mom.

I'm getting anxious about school, I want so bad to start my new job, but I understand the fears. I want to tell my girls their schedule and where they will be going what days, but I don't know. I want to tell my son he's finally gonna get to see his friends again but I don't know if that's 100%.

There's a whole lot I don't know right now...like if my chickens are boys or girls (sorry its the running joke in our family right now!)  or when I'm going to get to use my Pinterest worthy new office or when my kids can eat lunch in the cafeteria with their friends.

I have two choices right now...

I can stay stuck in the "I don't knows".  I can keep being irritated with my kids, keep holding grudges against them because they didn't take a long nap, keep snapping at them because I'm tired of making dinner every night.

-or-

I can find the light, I can find His light. I can tell my kids I don't know about school, but I can also tell them, I do know that God has protected us this far. God has brought us through some tough things before and I believe and trust that He will do so again. I can tell them I waited almost 7 years to be at this job because God told me to, we can hang on a little bit longer because He knows best. I can be gracious to them, because like me, this new life is tough for them too. This new schedule one day and no schedule the next can be confusing.  I can remind them that sometimes we all need a little space, and I can try my best to provide them that space.  I can remind myself, daily, every hour, every minute if necessary that I have a choice on how I act. I can hand them truth in scripture when they feel out of control and confused. 

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

Thanks for letting me get my mind back with you all...I may have lost it again while attempting to type this with Stori touching EVERYTHING...I'm giving her grace...I'm giving her grace...

~Carly

God's Will

My current book is "Radiant" by Priscilla Shirer. Months ago when I was preparing for the young ladies I was going to work with at church, this book caught my attention. I started it, set it down....and recently picked it back up. This book is just filled with the wonderful truths about who I am in Jesus and lots of great scripture to back it up! Lots of things I needed to be hearing lately!

This morning's chapter was all about God's will.  The way she spoke about His will just seemed to strike me in an odd and happy way this morning. I remember after Ellie's death, I didn't want to go back to work, I didn't want to be in my house, I didn't really know what I wanted. I remember saying, I just don't know what God is doing with me, what His will is for my life. I got past it, kept on living life the best I knew how.

This morning, Priscilla (first names because I feel like we'd be good friends!) reminded me of something I was taught a long time ago, but have since tucked away somewhere. That God's will isn't an end goal, it's not some destination along this path of life. God's will for me is that I depend on Him and I seek Him every day.  God's will for my life is that I keep praying, I depend on Him for my strength and my peace, that I show others the love of Jesus, that I Honor God, I walk in obedience to him and engage fully with an attitude of gratitude.

It's not something I should keep looking for, it's something I do each day. And when I do those things each day, His plan, His will for my life will happen.

So I am excited to announce God's next plan for my life. For 14 years I have worked in the same school...the only school I've ever worked at. That school has seen me through the birth of all my children, the death of one, my husband going to college, my husband's new jobs and so much more. For years I haven't understood why God keeps making me drive 45 minutes to work, but I love my job so I trusted Him.  Every year something has happened that's shown me why I'm still there, so I keep on praying and showing gratitude to Him for that job.

This year, God opened the door to another school.  A school 10 minutes from my house. The same school that Noah went to when Ellie was sick.  The same school that created Ellie's Adventure Song.  the school that made a butterfly garden dedicated to Ellie.  This school that opened their sweet arms to my family 7 years ago...will now be my new work home!

The tears that come with this announcement are of absolute joy and some heartache. Change is hard, and I will so miss my Panthers! But I know I'm right where I'm supposed to be at the time I'm supposed to be here!
To my Sycamore Family, I love you.  Thank you for always allowing me in your lives. You are an amazing group of people who show love like no other.  Never forget to find the good in each day!  To my Panthers, you know I love you.  I'm sorry I didn't get to hug you one last time, but I will be thinking about you and praying for you!

To my new Cheetah family...I can't wait to be part of this community, to meet you all and hug your necks, whenever that may be!

Prayers, Praise and Pink

~Carly

Getting Back on God's Track

Not gonna lie, I've been so hesitant to start typing...it's been a year it's been over a year since I've posted anything.  I'm started a few times, and they are just sitting there is draft format. Thoughts that just won't come together and make sense. Four very active kids and a husband who has taken on a new position that requires a whole lot more travel time, has me worn out!

But I've come to realize after the nations events of the past several weeks, I need to type, my brain needs to process, I need to encourage someone else out there. So here I am, back at it.  Currently "homeschooling" my children since all the schools are shut down, and oh so grateful that my job allows me to be with them during this crisis time.

Looking back over the past few months, I see how God has brought me right where I am at the moment.

For a while I was sharing my devotionals on IG https://www.instagram.com/mommytimewithjesus/ but as I started a book about marriage and respect, Respectfully Yours, I took a pause because the whole world didn't need to follow along with me. As I did that study, completely for myself, without sharing anything, I learned the most about myself and who I am commanded to be. I knew exactly who I was supposed to be sharing this information with!

After last year's mission trip, I was convicted about the youth in my own church.  I had spent so much of the mission trip talking to teenagers and listening to all they face, that my heart just broke. But I was so scared!  After months of saying I wanted to do more, rescheduling, trying to make things work, God finally had me where he wanted me.  With my new Cricut in hand (thanks Mom and Cate!) I set to work helping organize a young ladies tea.  I just couldn't wait to be with them, to share what God says is the truth about who they are.  On January 26th (Ellie's Birthday) I got to speak to this sweet group of girls, it felt so good!  I shared all the truths I didn't acknowledge when I was younger.  I shared truths like, they are loved, accepted, forgiven, redeemed, and radiant, each with scripture to back them up.  I was almost done with my talk, and all of a sudden thoughts started rolling through my head, like I couldn't hear myself talking anymore...thank goodness for notes. Thoughts that said, "you are talking to much", "this isn't the right stuff", "they don't care about your story", "you shouldn't be doing this"....I was shaken and those thoughts stuck with me all night, until I was in tears.

And that was the beginning of my anxiety going all out of whack. I felt like I had been doing pretty good.  I'd have an off day here and there, but for the most part things were good. Most of February I spent with my heart pounding about one thing or another and my mind racing.  The silly thoughts and fears that I know are irrational, just stayed on repeat in my head.  Some mornings my 45 minute car ride lasted FOREVER because I felt like I was gonna get sick the whole way, and other days it went by so quick because the script in my head kept me distracted the whole time.  I was quickly becoming frustrated with myself.  Why couldn't I turn this off?  I believe God loves me and I trust Him, right? So why am I freaking out over these things? I must not be a good enough Christian...but I know that's not true either. I was all over the place with my bible study/devotional time, I couldn't focus. I ended up listening to a podcast with Jennie Allen, https://www.jennieallen.com/podcast about anxiety and trust.

She talked about her book, Get Out of Your Head

I ordered it, I needed it.  It came a few weeks ago, but I held off.  I had been study hopping for weeks and I was determined to finish the one I was in before I jumped ship.

And then....Coronavirus....

I will be the first to admit, I don't pay attention to the happenings of the world.  We don't have cable TV so I don't watch the news.  I don't read articles I see on Facebook.  And I don't read the newspaper.  I listen to a Christian radio station, so I don't hear a lot of the news either. In fact, Noah (he's 11 now....its been a while!) had to fill me in about China, his words were "Mom its all anyone is talking about!

So when your anxiety is already on a roller coaster and then you finally tune in to the world around you and realize people are terrified of this illness...it doesn't make for a good day!  I felt a weight on my chest like I hadn't in a long time....and I'm not a germ freak at all....but this, just stayed in my head all day..."what if....what if....what if...." So exhausting.

And then they shut schools down...Guess who started reading her new book? This girl! I'm not too far in, but I'm enjoying it.  In fact, I could probably spend my whole day reading and doodling, but then my kids would either be in Barbie land (SG and Lu are all about the Barbies these days) all day or have hurt each other.

I've slowly started sharing scriptures again, I know it's how I will be used by God during this time of being stuck home.  My goal is to share what I'm continuing to learn about my identity and my ability to capture the thoughts that run rampart in my mind, comparing them to the truth God has given us. 

I'm looking forward to this time of being right where God wants me!

A little scripture with a little girl glitter and love!

Prayer, Praise and Pink

~ Carly