Ellie and I went to pick up Noah from school today, he spent the night at a friends house last night, so we were pretty excited to see him again. We were greeted with the usual smiley faces at school, except Noah's. He wasn't happy to see us, he wanted to stay with my friend, which isn't a surprise. As much as this house is centered around Ellie right now, I'm sure he enjoys his time away. After him "running away" a few times, we finally got all his stuff and headed for the car. Once loaded up, the pouty pants began. He didn't miss us, he only loves a little bit, our house is no fun...etc. We've been down this road before, so I tried to not let it bother me, he is only 4 after all...and has no idea what he's saying is hurtful. He began to cry and cry and cry, uncontrollably. I told him I loved him and since I was his Mommy I get to take him home because I missed him so much. That's when it stung as he said "you're only my Mommy when you're with me"....I fell apart. Richard would remind me at this point he doesn't know what he's saying, but Richard wasn't there. It probably hit so hard because I haven't really felt like his mom in over a week. This kid has been bounced all over....with people whom he loves and love him, but I miss my son. As I tried to hide my tears in the front seat, Ellie saw right away I was crying and of course pointed it out. Noah was still bawling at this point, then he dropped his George monkey which then turned into even bigger sobs, that I cried right along with. Ellie joined in on the sob fest for a minute or two, then proclaimed she was all done crying...wish it was that easy for all of us. Noah eventually stopped and was excited to be home, especially coming home to a pile of cards to open.
I, on the other hand have had a hard time stopping the tears today. I don't cry because of what my daughter has been diagnosed with, and I don't cry because I don't understand why, and I don't cry because I'm scared of what is going to happen...I'm not sure why I cry (my guess is the 35 weeks prego thing). I cry because I don't know what happens next, I cry because I can't make a schedule, I cry because my family is having such an impact of those around us and I am honored. I cry because I'm overwhelmed at the amount of help we've been offered, and at this moment I just don't know what help we need, I have never been down this road before. We do not know when we start treatment, for how long or how often...and right now that's the biggest struggle I face. So if you ask us what can you do to help, please don't be offended if we say "we don't know" because honestly we don't. Right now we just need prayers, for Richard and I, to continue to work together and not take our frustrations out on each other or the kids. Prayer for Noah, as we've had to make some pretty big and difficult changes for him as well. Prayer for my family who may be struggling with understanding why this all is happening.
Wanted to share my favorite song to listen to any time I start to fall apart
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's might hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:6-7
Prayers, Praise and Pink