I have no idea why this song has stuck with me today, but I can't get it out of my head (favorite line "When you are running on empty and you can't find the remedy") . For the first time in a long time today (probably because I am never alone in my car) I turned the radio up very loud and sang very loud. I also cried a lot while singing, which isn't easy when your car ride is only 5 minutes long...gotta learn to wipe those tears quickly! In my new found "stay at home mommy life" I get to drive Noah to preschool and pick him up. He really is enjoying his new school, especially the fact there is another Noah! I am so thankful this has been an easy transition for him...probably the only thing that has been easy for us.
Adjusting to this "new life" is hard. For one thing, this house is way too quiet. Noah loves to talk, but even after a while he stops talking or goes to bed. My laundry loads have been cut in half, and whenever something of Richard or Ellie's pops up in the washing machine, I feel my heart tug...pretty sure I just washed the last of it, and that's hard too! I don't really cook...not that I mind all that much...but I would really like to sit down as a family of four and have a real dinner...I'd even suck in up and defrost something out of the freezer and "pretend" like I'm cooking. I stay up way too late now, probably because I really don't want to go lay in the bed by myself. Plus being 37 weeks prego, its not like I'm sleeping all that well or comfortable. Our world revolves around "what time is it in TN" and FaceTime...which I am beyond grateful for. Starting my day seeing those two faces helps carry me through. The one evening we couldn't get it to work, I was miserable.
I just miss them so much! I feel helpless at times, not that she has started anything yet, but she's two. She throws tantrums, she yells no, and I'm not there to put her hiney in time out (never thought I'd miss that!) I hear the stress in my husband's voice and see it on his face, and I know he won't say it, but this is hard on him. He gets no break, besides when she's sleeping. I feel sorry for him that he has to explain things to me over and over because my brain isn't working and cell phones aren't the best communication devices out there...no matter how much you pay for them. Then he has to explain everything to lots of other people. I know he has to be overwhelmed and I so bad want to be there just to relieve that burden for a few hours.
While talking to a sweet friend last night (which I'm kinda wondering if we should be siblings because we are so much alike)...I said I'm not afraid of Ellie's diagnosis, I know it's rare, I can't change a thing about that, that's in God's hands, I'm not having trouble dealing with the fact my child has brain cancer. I am having a hard time dealing with the fact I'm not there. That in a few days she's going to start treatment and I'm a million miles away (ok so not a million...but it feels like it). I can't hold her, and as good as our "hugs" are through the iPad, its just not the same as holding that little wiggly nut and telling her its going to go okay...or as she would say "it be all fine". I can't hold Richard....not that he's wiggly...but just to be there and squeeze his hand when he's ready to fall apart, would mean the world to me.
Our "blogging plan" (and I did not make this plan...it was all him!) is that Richard will try to fill in the "what's going on with Ellie" parts. I'll just keep doing my crying/typing therapy thing. We may overlap a little, but its okay...he could be typing one up right now for all I know (hi honey).
Again I just want to thank everyone for their prayers, love and support. As I have been immersed in the tshirt fundraising world these past 3 days, I am continually overwhelmed at the support that rolls in. The emails I get are amazing...not just because they are financially helping my family but their spiritual support gets me through every day. I don't know what I would do without the facebook messages and emails and texts that just say "we're praying", "you're an inspiration", "we love you". I don't always respond, but know that your love helps make every day a little easier.
A quote sent to me today from my "should be sibling"...
"Learn to see everything you go through, even the most painful circumstances, as coming from or being allowed by God to touch your life. When you do, you can anticipate He will use your difficulties for good, turning them into something beautiful" - Dr. Charles Stanley
Thank you all for being a part of our something beautiful!
Prayers, Praise and Pink