I wasn't quite prepared for how hard today was going to be. Sundays are hard just because that was usually the only day our family was all together all day. Its hard because I know how much going to church means to Richard and he's not there. When I finally got to lay eyes on them this morning, I tried to keep it together but I should really know better than to try to hide tears from my husband...especially when he can see me (not always the brightest "crown" in the box...sorry that was for my momma...I can't say cray-on right). I knew after today her world was going to change...or maybe not so much her world, but our world. We knew this day was coming...I've been anxiously waiting for her to start treatments, but now the day is here and I don't quite feel ready. Or I'm ready, I just don't know what to expect, I have an idea, but not a clue how she will react to the medicines that are about to enter her body and help her on her journey to recovery. On a side note, as we were bagging up hats to donate to the hospital, I talked to Noah about what the medicines that Ellie has to take may do to her. We talked about losing her hair and getting sick. In typical Noah fashion, he matter-of-factly understood it all and said we needed to keep praying for Ellie until she felt all the way better.
Noah and I got ready for church...he attempted to put the same thing on he wore to church last Sunday and mean old mom made him change! Luckily he picked his favorite green tie, because I completely forgot it was St. Patrick's Day...opps! Off we went, and in true God fashion, on came a great song!
Noah's attitude in church is usually hit or miss when he's in worship with me. Some days he's trying to lay down on the pew, hang on me and other days he's singing. Thankfully today he was in a singing and happy mood, he was even clapping. I take such great pride when I look over and he's actually singing the words to the songs.
As Preacher started, my prayer was "please just let me make it through this today without tears" I know people expect me to cry, but sometimes when I start I can't stop and I really don't like having attention drawn to myself...which is almost impossible in our new situation, I'm getting better and handling it, but its a process. He began to talk about storms, and I giggled...didn't I just post that song, "Praise you in the storm"...and just listened to "Let the waters rise". One of the first sentences out of his mouth was "The Lord will have his way in the storm", and went on to talk about what storms do in your life and the purpose of them. What stuck with me the most was storms often detect things, it helps you find what you are capable of, what kind of character you have.
What we are capable of....if you had asked me a month ago what we were capable of, I would have never imagined this. I knew we were strong, I knew we had a strong belief in our God, I knew our lives were going to get crazy with 3 kids...I had no idea we were capable of separating our families for this amount of time and know this is the right thing to do. I had no idea I would be capable of giving birth without my husband there, but this is what I'm going to do, because I have always asked for the Lord's will to be done in mine and my children's lives (be careful what you pray for...or should I say, when you pray for it...realize it might not be what YOU think His will should be). I never knew I was capable of reaching so many people's lives by putting my heart down on paper/screen.
Preacher said so many other things that touched my heart today, thank you Lord for using him to share what I needed to hear...that yes, this is a "storm" but God is going to have His way, and he's going to use it for good.
I hugged my Preacher tight because I want him to give that same hug to my loves when he sees them tomorrow. Part of me is super jealous because it won't be me there, I'm pretty sure Sarah-Grace wouldn't appreciate that car ride...or myself! But if I can't be there to hug my husband and just give him support, Preacher is a great alternate. I hope that they enjoy all the goodies my amazing church family is sending down, I'm sure Ellie will LOVE opening all her presents, she's gotten so good at it!
A quick phone chat with Richard helped me cry all that out, and reassured me it was all good! And off we went to play with friends!
Please say an extra prayer for my princess and her knight in shinning armor tonight. They are all checked into their hospital room, and after talking to Richard about it, it sounds fantastic. She has her hospital room, but also a family room...thank you St. Jude's for the amazing gifts you are offering to my family, and thank you Lord for leading us there. She will start receiving fluids tonight and then start her chemo tomorrow. The anxiety I felt earlier in the day is gone, Richard says he doesn't feel anxious right now either. I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow...but that's tomorrow and I can't worry about it today!
And there's no need to worry because....
The Lord will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.
As the snow falls again tonight, I have one more thought from church this morning. When the snow falls and is heavy on the trees, we learn quickly the trees we thought were strong may fall down, but we also see the trees we didn't think were so strong, are still standing. Please continue to pray, that as we ride through this storm, and the snow falls and the waters rise, Richard and I and our entire group of family and friends, will stand strong and praise Him, who has orchestrated this entire storm for us.
Prayers, Praise and Pink